This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places,
and incidents are either products of the author’s
imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously.
Copyright © 2011 by Liz Pichon
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced,
transmitted, or stored in an information retrieval system
in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or
mechanical, including photocopying, taping, and recording,
without prior written permission from the publisher.
First U.S. electronic edition 2014
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 2013952846
ISBN 978-0-7636-7472-4 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-0-7636-7581-3 (electronic)
This book was typeset in Pichon.
The illustrations were done in mixed media.
Candlewick Press
99 Dover Street
Somerville, Massachusetts 02144
visit us at www.candlewick.com

Sm al l
bu g

T his book

TOM
GATES

i s w o r t h at

IF no t

M o re !

Dedicated to
of
lovely people

LOADS

M ark
Z ak

E lla

L i ly

Than ks to S arah S .
An d to my dad, w ho rea lly
did wear som e

S eri o u s ly

em barrassin g outfits.

1

ve n t h ough I o nly l i ve four minutes away
from my sc h ool , I ’m often late.

sc ho ol

MY (O ak fi el d)

MY h o u s e
stl

eap

Ca

Ch

24

To

Tw
o
nut

d

es

O

mi

eet

oa
e R

Str

SHOP
a k fi e l d

An

ot

her

P e r cy

Street

ho
two minutes to sc

ol

!
STOP

This is u s ua l ly bec a us e m e a nd D erek
(my b e s t m ate a nd n ext- doo r neigh b or) "chat”
a b it ( O K, a

L OT )

o n th e way . Sometimes

it ’s b e c a u s e we g et d i s tracted by delicious
fru it c hew s

a nd c a ra m e l wafers

at t he s hop .

O cc a s i o n a l ly , it’s b ecause

I ’ ve had load s of oth er very important th ings
to do.
2

or in s t anc e, th i s i s w h at I d id th is morning
(my firs t day bac k at sc h ool ).
Wok e u p —

l i s ten ed to music

P layed my g uita r

Rolled out of bed (s low ly )
Look ed fo r s oc ks
Look ed fo r c loth es
Played s o m e m o re g uita r
R ea lized I h ad n ’t do ne my “summer reading
homew ork”

PANICKED

– th ought of

good exc u s e fo r lac k of h o m ework ( ph ew!).
A n noyed my s i s ter, Del ia . W h i ch I admit d id
t ak e u p a very LARG E c h unk of th e morning
(time we ll s pent, th ough ) .
Hid D e lia’s s ung la s s es .
Took my co m i c i nto th e bath room to read
(while D e lia wa ited outs ide — H a! H a!). Wh en
Mom s hout s . . .
3

"ToM! You're LATE
FO SChoOL!"

r

Run pa s t Delia ( wh o’s still
wait in g outs ide th e bath roo m and quite cross
now ) . Ignore h er
sis te r ly love.
Save p re c ious ti m e by :

C REEP!

Not b rus h i n g h a i r
Not b rus h i n g teeth (fo r very long)
Not k i s s i ng M o m good- by e
( Too old fo r a l l th at k ind of th ing.)
Eat t he la s t pi ec e of toa s t, t h en grab my
p ac k ed lu nch a n d my bi ke. Sh out
to anyon e w h o c a n h ea r m e.

BYE!

T he n b ik e to sc h ool i n about two minutes f lat.

4

W

New

hic h is a

TOM GATES WORLD

REC ORD . . . . And this is the R EALLY good bit . . .
h a s just arrived too!
I am s o plea s ed to s ee h er after th e
holidays . I s m i le i n w h at I th ink is a nice,
frie n d ly c heery way .
A my is not i m pres s ed . S h e loo ks at me lik e I’m
we ird ( b ut I ’m not).

M

e

s

lin
mi

g
H I, Amy !

( T his i s a bad s ta rt to my day .)
				 Th en it g ets worse. . . .

5

Mr. F

ullerman (my fifth year teacher)

makes the whole class stand outside our room.
He says,

"Welcome BACK, Class
5F. I ’ v e g o t a

BIG

surprise for you


ALL."

(W h i c h i s not good news.)

OH, NO

H e’s rearranged ALL th e

de s k s ! I ’m now s itti ng right at th e front of
t he c la s s . Wo rs e s ti l l , M a rc us “M oany ” M eldrew
is n ext to m e.
This is a disaster. How am I going to draw
my pictures and read my comics? Sitting at th e
bac k of t h e c la s s, I could avoid th e teach er’s
glare s .

B ut I a m SO close to M r.

Fu lle r ma n now I c a n s ee up his nose.
6

Before
Mr. Fullerman
in the distance.

e at
M
the BACK.

Solom on
Stewa rt

NOW
Tom Gates,
I CAN SEE
YOU!

GL

aring
BEADY

G ro

Amy

Front

Me

eYes

an

Marcu s

of the class

A

n d if t h at’s not bad enough ,

Marcus

Me ld rew I S th e m o s t a n noy i n g b oy in th e
whole sc h ool . H e i s

SO no sy and th ink s h e

k now s eve ry th i ng .

M a rc u s M eld rew i s a l ready annoy ing me. . . .
H e is look in g over my s h oulder wh ile
I’m w r it in g th i s .

		H e i s

st i ll

loo ki ng . . . .

				 Sti l l loo king. . . .

Yes, M ARC U S ,

I ’m w riti n g ab out

YOU
8

MARCUS MeLdrew

ha s a fac e l i ke a m ous e.

Ma rc u s Me ld rew h a s a fac e l i k e a


Moose!

Moosey Marcus . . .


( H e’s s topped loo ki ng now.)

9

Bu

T on th e oth er s ide of me, th e good

new s is I a m now s itti n g n ext to


, w h o i s very smart and

ni c e ( eve n th ough s h e d id n’t seem th rilled to
se e me t his m o rn i n g ) .

BriLLIANT
a s n ea ky loo k

A t least I can h ave

over h er sh oulder for a

few r ight a n s wers .

I t hin k s h e i s loo ki n g at me now.


10

is

ve ry

nice.

Sh e ’s not loo ki ng .
S he ’s ig no ri n g m e. . . . I t h ink .
So I might a s wel l s top w riti ng nice th ings
now a n d d raw a dood le i ns tead.

(

cheers
s
i
h
T

me up.)

cus
Mar
a
u i s h e d by
q
s
gets

Then

Mr. F

ul lerm a n say s,

“A s yo u c a n s e e , I ’ v e c h ange d a fe w
thin gs aro u n d . ”
(Don ’t I k now it! )
T he n he b e g i n s to ta ke atten dance.
(Usually I would take this opportunity to draw
a few cool pictures, or take out my comic for

SO close to Mr.

a quick read.

But I’m

Fullerman and

his beady eyes

that I

have to wait until he finishes and walks to the
back of the class before I can get doodling in
my book.)

OK,

h e’s go ne now . I ’m th ink ing of

na me s to c a l l my ba nd th at D erek and I are
in. We ’ re not very good

YET, b ut if I can

t hin k of a rea l ly good n a m e, th at will mak e us
se e m ext ra cool .
12

H

ow ab out A LI E N TW I N S? Foot Fighters ?

I k now . . . DOGZ O M B I E S.

S i m p le
Minds

Marcus
HA! HA!

Mr.

Ful lerm a n i nterrupts my d rawing ( I’ve

t u r n ed t he pag e over fa s t s o h e can’t see
it ) a n d ha n d s out th e fi rs t p iece of work we
have to do th i s term . (G roa n.)

14

riting
tor y W
S
n
o
i
t
Vaca
F.

, Class 5

e back
Welcom

ry
ite a sto
r
w
to
.
u
like yo
holidays
r
ld
e
u
o
m
w
m
I
u
your s
Today
u did on
o
y
t
a
h
about w
?
go away
u
o
y
id
?
*D
ur family
o
re did
y
it
is
v
u
and whe
e
k
li
r
* Did yo
e
eath
as the w
w
t
a
h
W
*
?
you stay
tail.
ing in de
th
y
r
e
v
e
ibe
to descr
r
e
b
m
e
Rem
ding
d to rea
r
a
w
r
fo
g
lly lookin
I am rea
ns!
r vacatio
u
o
y
t
u
o
all ab
rman

Mr. Fulle

My s um m er wa s n ’t a g reat success,
b ut it do es h ave a very h appy ending. . . .

He r e goes

15

T his y ea r, Dad s a id, “Let’s go camping,
it ’s c hea p .” M o m d id n’t s eem th at k een, b ut
I ’ d n eve r been c a m pi ng befo re, so I was
look in g forwa rd to it.
Dad a n d I went to th e camping sh op to
b uy a few es s entia l item s l i ke:

"heWs aeidw. o n ’t need m ucdh ,”
Da

1. Tent
bags
2. Sleeping
stuff
3. Cooking
ds
4. Fishing ro
5. TV
r
6. Compute

But the camping shop had some cool stuff,
and Dad got carried away. He spent a

LOT

of money and made me promise not to tell Mom.
“ We could h ave s tay ed i n a nice h otel; it
w ou ld have been c h ea per,” Dad said.
“ Not th e s a m e a s s leepi n g under th e
st a rs a n d wa ki ng up i n th e fresh air!” said
t he ma n in th e s h op a s h e took Dad’s
mon ey.
16

LO A D S
more
S t u ff

EV EN
M or e f
St uf

More
S t u ff

DAD STuff
STUFF

me

Kitchen
S in k

ILY
AME N T

FT

O

n top of every th i ng Dad b ought, M om

pac k ed a w h ole lot m o re. Th e car was stuffed .
My s is te r, Del ia , wa s n’t h a ppy ab out coming
wit h u s .

Sh e’s not a l lowed to stay in th e

h ou s e on
h ad a

h er ow n a ny m o re, b ecause sh e

WILD

pa rty th e la st time M om

an d Dad went away . (I s tay ed next door with
D e re k . His pa rents got w o ken up and weren’t
ha p py e it he r. )

W

e s et off, a nd fo r a wh ile th e trip

was goin g wel l . Th en we too k a wrong turn
an d got los t.

LOST

RE AL LY
LO ST

H a! H a!

18

M

om b lam ed Dad fo r not l istening to h er

p rop e r ly. Dad bla m ed M o m fo r not reading
t he ma p t he right way . Th ey b oth b lamed each
othe r.

r
Gr

rr

It was on ly w h en th e c a r got a f lat tire
t hat t hey s topped a rg ui n g . Th ey ph oned th e
Ca r R e sc ue Serv i c e, w h o eventually turned up.
It took

to fi x th e tire, and

we d id n ’t m a ke it to th e c a mpsite until it
wa s da r k .

Del ia wa s n’t h a ppy . ( D elia’s never

ha p py.) S he s a id th e plac e loo k ed
an d p lu s s h e could n ’t g et a s ignal for h er
p hon e . H a! H a ! H a ! I th ought it look ed OK.
So I he lp ed Dad w ith th e tent wh ile M om
un p ac k ed t h e c a r. (Del ia d id noth ing.)

19

T

he te nt wa s tri c ky to put up, b ut we d id

t he b e s t we could .

It was a b it late to eat. Dad said, “I’ll cook
a b ig b reak fa s t i n th e m o rn i n g.” B ut my
stomac h k e pt

and

I cou ld n ’t g et to s leep.

Th en

I

re me mb e red th e s ec ret s ta s h of wafers

wafe rs

in my bag. So I g rabbed th em and ate
t he m a ll! C rum bs got every w here and it was
very u ncomfo rtable i n my s lee ping bag. E ven
t hough we h ad a “fa m i ly tent” with separate
rooms, D e lia could h ea r m e s hifting around and
fidget in g. It wa s rea l ly a n noying h er.

B R IL L IA NT !

So I d id it some more. B ut

at t he s a m e ti m e, I could a l s o h ear
Mom a n d Dad . . .
20

SNOring


— and th at

was keeping me awake too. The noise was awful.
It s e e med to be g etti n g louder and

LO UD ER .

It wa s alm o s t l i ke th un der, de ep and rumb ly .
T he n I real i z ed it s ounded l i ke th under . . .
b e c au s e it wa s th under. W h i c h was getting
clos e r. T he re wa s l ightn i n g too, and
really heavy ra i n th at wa s right
above ou r tent. Th e s to rm wa s
HU GE, an d it d id n ’t ta ke lo ng for
t he te nt to blow away .

AGH !

HELP
!

E ve ry o n e h ad to run to th e car for
cove r. T he s to rm la s ted a l l n ight long and
eve ryt hin g we h ad got wet a n d muddy .
Dad had p itc h ed th e tent R IGHT NEXT TO
A S T R EA M! It f looded a n d a l l our stuff got
soa k ed .
Nob ody s lept at a l l . It was miserab le.
21

CAMPSITE

This WAY

M

Our tent

R
ST

S p ot t h e
p roble m . . .
22

eA

In

t he m o rn i n g , Dad tri ed to get h is money

bac k from th e c a m ps ite ow n er ( wh ile we slept
i n t he c a r ) .

He comp la ined a lot,

but it did n’t work .

M om colle cted our s ogg y belo n gings, wh ich
we re a ll r ui n ed (i nc l ud i n g th e tent). I could
h ear he r mutteri n g th i n g s l i ke “Proper vacation
next year ” a n d “G reec e” un der h er b reath .

D

e l ia wa s c ry i n g (ag a in) b ecause h er

mobile phone had gotten wet and wasn’t working.
T hat c he e red m e up.

So I decided to try

an d mak e th e bes t of th e h ol iday and go
ex p lor in g. T h ere were lots of interestinglook in g t rees to c l i m b. I wa s nearly at th e

TOP

of o n e w h en s udden ly a b ranch

S NAP P ED un der my foot.

23

I h

ad
n’t

igh
rea l i z ed h ow h
up

I

wa

s

un

ti

l
I

fel
o
l d

w

n.

...

It was pretty

					 i m p ressive, really . . . .
Delia heard me

P
YEL

as I hit the ground.

She came over and just watched me as I rolled
arou n d on th e g round i n pa i n, h old ing my arm.
H a ! It fel t R E A LLY bad b ut D elia did n’t
Ha!
loo k too co nc ern ed .
Freak!

E ventually sh e got M om.
24

T

“

hat ’s al l I need,” s a id M o m as sh e took me

to t he firs t- a id tent. Th ey g ave me a
lollip op

a nd put my a rm i n a bandage ( I

was ve ry b rave) .

I

t looked like our camping holiday was going

to be very short. More rain was due, so Mom and
Dad decided that under the circumstances
(no tent or dry clothes) we should go home.

I

wa s n’t th at ups et, a n d D elia was

de lighted . So we a l l pac ked up and left th e
Home

ca mp s ite .

O

n th e way h o m e we s topped off in

a n ic e re s t a ura nt, w h ere I m anaged to eat a
huge p izza w ith my o ne good arm. My bad arm
was really h urti ng

but I did n’t complain

b e c au s e it wa s th e fi rs t ti m e in ages th at
eve ryon e loo ked h a ppy .

25

O

u r n e igh bo rs M r. a n d M rs . Fingle and

De re k we re s urpri s ed to s ee

us back so

SO painful now th at

soon . My bad a rm wa s

I we nt to my roo m to loo k at it.


Wo rry i ng ly , it h ad turned purple



and



ba l loo n .

up lik e a

I s howed M o m a nd Dad . Th ey look ed sh ock ed.
” ( wh ich
D e lia s aid, “You loo k l i ke a

FRE AK

was k in d of h er). M o m a nd Dad got back in
t he c ar a nd d rove m e to th e h ospital, leaving
D e lia at ho m e.

L u c k i ly . . . my a rm ’s not serious. I h ad
ju s t s p ra ined it, a nd th e ba n dage was put on
too t ight . So th ey red id it a nd put it in a
ve ry cool s l i ng i ns tead .
				 (I ’l l l i ve, apparently .)

26

It

wa s quite late

by th e time we got

h ome a n d th ere wa s m us i c
out from our h ous e.

Fu RIOUS.

M om an d Dad were

D e lia had inv ited lots of h er friend s
over for a party, and BOY was she in trouble.

I

fo rgot a l l about my sore arm

b ec a u s e lis ten i n g to Del ia bei ng told off
an d grou n ded by M o m a n d Dad was
p robab ly th e
of my w hole
ent ire holiday .
Y ea h !

werneg?
t
a
h
inki

Wyou th

You're
grounded!

TH E
E ND

I t s o u n ds like you h ad a ver y
even t ful time, Tom!
E xcel l ent work. I felt like I w as
t her e . . . but glad I was n’t !
M er i t Points

28

WOW!
I ’ ve n eve r h ad

M r. Ful lerm an lik ed my story !
m erits before.

I leave t he pag e open s o

can

se e how c lever I a m . B ut s h e doesn’t seem
too inte re s ted . M ay be th i s w i ll h elp:

29

No, s he ’s s ti l l not loo ki n g .
Ma rc u s s ay s h e’s got fi ve m erits as well.
“ Great , ” I s ay .
“ We ’ re lik e tw i n s now ,” s ay s Marcus.
(H e ’s s o an noy i ng . )
I s how Mom a n d Dad my s to ry b ecause I th ink
t hey’ ll b e plea s ed w ith m e (for a ch ange).
30

I n s tead Mo m g i ves m e a note to give to M r.
Fu lle r ma n .
De a r M r.
Fu ll e r m a
n

,

We a re d
e li g h te d T
o m g o t f iv
e m e r it p
o in t s .
A ls o, c a n
I ju s t s a y
t h a t t h is
usual t yp
is n o t t h e
e o f va c a
t
io
n we h a v
a c t u a ll y V
e . We a re
E R Y re s p
o n s ib le p
a re n t s .
To m’s a r m
is f in e n o
w — in c a
wo n d e r in
s e y o u we
g ( a n d in
re
c
a
s e h e t r ie
out of do
s to g e t
in g P.E .) .
K in d re g a
rd s ,
M r. a n d M
rs. G

a te s

I t hin k Mo m wa s w o rri ed my story made th em
look bad .
31

BREAK t i m e !

I a m c at c h i n g up w ith a few friend s wh o I
h ave n't seen over the holidays. Mark Clump
got a noth er pet (but h e won’t tell me
w hat it is ! ) .

N or m a n Wats o n ’s

to eat c a ndy

not allowed
o r anything with

sugar in it bec a us e it m a kes him go really
. B ut I c a n s ee h im running around
t he p laygroun d w ith h i s s weater over h is h ead
shout in g, “ I ’m a s pac em a n, I ’m a spaceman.”
W hic h mak es m e th i nk h e’s h ad a few sneaky
swe et s already today .

S olomon S tewa rt (h i s ni c kname’s

is t he t alles t boy i n th e w h ole sch ool. H e h as
even m o re, I th i nk .

32

T

he n D e rek

co m es over ( h e’s in M rs.

Wor t hin gto n’s c la s s, not m i ne, b ecause we
c hat

too m uc h ). I ’ve s een h im load s during

t he s u mme r.

(H i s h a i r h a s grown — h e

h a s n ’t .)
I s how h i m my idea s a nd drawings for a
ban d n ame . (H e l i kes DOGZ O MB IE S b est . . .
m e, too.)
W he n M a rc us M eld rew barges into our
c hat. . . .
“ What ’s t hat?”
“ Idea s fo r our ba n d . ”
“ W hat ba n d ?”
“ Me a nd Derek a re i n a band, and we’re
thin k in g of w h at to c a l l ours elves.”
“ T hat ’s ea sy . ”
“ R eally ?” (M a rc us h a s a n idea.)

33

“

Yea h. . . . Jus t c a l l y ours elves
'The Tota l Lo se rs . '

Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! '' s ay s M a rc us . . .
w ho's eve n m o re a nnoy i ng th is y ear th an h e
was la s t yea r (if th at’s po s s ib le).

Mar cus
bein g a

TWI T

Ha!
Ha!
Ha!

T he re 's hom ew o rk a l ready fro m M r. Fullerman.
(It ’s lik e we n ever h ad a h ol iday .)

34

WORK

HOME
I’d like

o write
you all t

W.

a REVIE

,
f a book
o
w
ie
v
e
you
be a r
mething
o
It could
s
:
lm
fi
r
ncert, o
play, co
or read.
n
e
e
s
e
hav
s:
question
f
o
s
t
lo
rself
Ask you
ert.
ok/conc
o
b
/
lm
fi
e the
t like?
Describ
ke or no
li
u
o
y
What did
ut?
as it abo
w
t
a
h
W
y
hem ver
t
g
in
d
a
to re
forward
g
in
k
o
o
L
much.
rman

Mr. Fulle

(I’ ll s e e w h at’s o n TV to n ight , th en read th e
new s p a p e r rev i ew . Th at’s a lway s a good start.)
35

S

n 's
M r. F u ll e r m a
A D OW
		 S H

itt in g s o c lo s e to M r. Ful lerman is already

wo
rk.
exhausting !

provin g t r i c ky fo r m e.

Be c au s e I a m bei ng fo rc ed to
It ’s

( A my do es n’t s eem th ri l led to b e sitting
next to me . M ay be if s h e s ees me work ing,
she ’ ll t hin k I ’m s m a rt?
I w ill try to i m pres s h er.)
Sh e ’s j u s t c a ught m e s nea ki ng a look at h er
w or k . I p reten d to be d raw i ng, b ut I’ve b een
r u mb led .

36

I k now . . . I ’l l d raw s o m eth i ng

funny.

Mr. Fu lle r ma n w ith h a i r . . .



(A my s ti l l not impressed .)

37

Afte r c la s s, I m eet Derek by th e b ik e sh ed .
Ou r b ik e s a re very cool . M i n e ’s covered in
stic k e rs an d dood les . Derek’s is a b it battered
b ut super fa s t. Th ere’s a very odd-look ing b ik e
i n t he s hed th at c atc h es our ey e ( not in a
good way) .
It ’s covered i n
w it h s illy

and F luff
ey es and weird b its

ha n gin g fro m th e h a nd les .

38

“

I

t loo ks l i ke M a rc us,” D erek laugh s.

“ O r No rm a n Wats o n o n candy !” I say .
“ Bet it belo n g s to a l itt le new k id wh o
doe s n ’t k now a ny better! ” s ay s D erek .
“ W hat ki n d of pers o n w ould h ave a
st u p id-look i ng bi ke l i ke th at?” I laugh .

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!



But

We b oth laugh !

i s NOT laugh ing

b ec au s e it ’s h er bi ke.

Tu T
TuT

S c hool ja nito r Sta n i s
sh a k in g his h ead a nd tutti ng in a
di s ap p rov ing way (w h i c h i s m a k ing
h is k eys jan g le) bec a us e I h ave
up s et A my (AGA I N! ). S h e c a l l s me an
an d t ak e s h er bi ke away . I s ay
“ Sor ry, ” b ut A my ig no res m e. (Sh e ignored my
fi ve me r it s, too . )


It’s been a terrib le day .
39

I'm a
turtle

On th e way h o m e, I s ee posters for my
favor ite ba n d,

, a l l over town.

Eve n t his do es n ’t c h eer m e up .
D e re k doe s h i s bes t to m a ke me laugh .
But all I ca n th i n k about i s Amy calling me an
id iot ( ha rs h ) a nd M a rc us c a l l i ng us losers.
“ Look o n th e bright s ide, ” D erek say s.
But w h en I a s k Derek wh at th e b right
side act ua lly i s . . . h e do es n’t k now.
“ It ’s a s ay i n g . ”
Great.
I ’ ll have to th i n k of a way to mak e it up
to A my, w h i c h i s not goi n g to b e easy .

40

Ba n d practi c e w ith Derek tonight might
not b e s o good bec a us e th ere’s ab solutely
NOTH I NG th at w i l l c h eer m e u p now.

Not a th i ng . . . .

MY
L
L
i
Bri ant! Favo r i t e !

!

!

y,
r ay ! H
H o o ra Hoo r , Hoo
o o r ay
ay
y,
r ay ! H
H o o ra Hoo r , Hoo
o o r ay
ay

(I've s udden ly c h eered up. )
42

D

e re k an d I eat tw o c a ra m el wafers each

an d d r in k s o m e o ra ng e s oda .

( Perfect

p re p a rat ion fo r ba nd practi c e .)

M

om tel l s m e to :

Leave o n e fo r Delia!”
“
						( As if !)
In s tead, I ta ke th e la s t o ne and sh ow D erek
my favor ite wafer tri c k.
Whic h goe s l i ke th i s :
1. R e move la s t c a ra m el wafer
from wra pper rea l ly c a refully .
2. E at wafer
Yu m

Yu m

qu ic k ly befo re Del ia

come s h o m e (h a lf eac h ).
3.

C a reful ly

re- fold w ra ppe r to

look li ke wafer i s s ti l l i nside.
4. Wat c h Del ia open th e em pty
wafe r w ra pper (h a , h a ) .

43

( empty )

M

y t r ic k w o rked a

treat.

I c a n hea r Del ia m oa n i n g to M om ab out me
dow n s t airs . So I ta ke th e opp ortunity to
sn eak into h er roo m a nd bo rrow a few copies
of

for D erek and me

to look at .
(G ood in s pi rati o n fo r ba n d practice.
T he re a re load s of good pi ctures of bands
ins ide .)

W

e t ak e turns

t ryin g out a few

So me of t h em a re m o re
su cc e s sfu l t h a n oth ers .

44

i a' s s s e s
l
e
D gla
sun

(M u s t n ’t fo rg et to do th i s week ’s h omework —
wr ite a rev i ew . . . . Sh ould be easy .)

45

Mr. Fu l ler m a n :
I ’m very

S ORRY .

You ’ ll n ever g ues s w h at h appened .
I had j u s t fi ni s h ed w riti n g my h omework
rev iew w he n I acc identa l ly s p illed th e

B IGG ES T

g la s s of wate r all over it.

I a m ve ry ups et, a s it wa s
a

VERY

good rev i ew.

(P robab ly wo rth at lea s t

!
H
G
A

five me r it poi nts, if not s i x . )

Oh dear, Tom!
What a mess. I w
ill look forward
to
seeing it redone
for tomorrow. W
atch
out for those BIG
pesky glasses of
water in the futu
re!

(I t hin k I got away w ith th at excuse, will
defin ite ly w rite rev i ew fo r tomorrow.)
47

Art A

r t i s now . . . bri l l ia nt , as it’s one of

my favor ite les s o n s .

M

r. Ful lerm a n w ould l i ke us all to draw

a s e lf-p or t ra it.
The s e w ill be put up a roun d th e

SC HOO L

WHOLE

fo r every o n e to see

(a n d la ugh at, probably ).

Mr. Fu l lerm a n h a nd s out small mirrors so
we c an loo k at ours elves w h i le we’re d rawing
(whic h is not ea sy at a l l ).

48

E

ve ryon e i s co nc entrati ng a n d quiet for a

ch an ge, ap a rt fro m No rm a n Watson,
w ho k e e p s s h i n i n g h i s m i rro r i n oth er
p e op le ’s fac es, unti l h e’s m oved.

T he n M rs . Wo rth i n gto n ( D erek ’s teach er)
co me s in a nd ta kes over fro m M r. Fullerman,
w ho goe s off to do s o m eth i n g
more imp orta nt (l i ke d ri nk
coffe e a n d read new s pa pers ).

M

rs . Wo rth i n gto n s o m etimes tak es

ove r for math . Sh e i s a lway s very enth usiastic
ab out eve ry th i ng . S h e i s bei n g very
ent hu s ia s t ic now .

Hello! Hello!
Lovely Class 5F!
49

sh e tells us h appi ly .
Be c au s e I l i ke a rt a nd drawing, I’m
w or k in g extra h a rd .
A my’s s elf- po rtra it loo ks a b it odd.
(She doe s n’t rea l ly loo k l i ke th at at all.)


H ers i s s ti l l b etter th an



M a rc us ’s . H e’s d rawn h imself

h ead
BI
G
(we ll, t hat bit’s true to l ife).

			 w ith a rea l ly

Mrs . Wor t h i ngto n s ees I ’ve
fin is hed my po rtra it a n d
co me s ove r to ta ke a c lo s er
look .

50



sh e say s.
sh e adds.

But I ’m not rea l ly l i s ten i ng to h er . . .
b e c au s e I h ave s udden ly noti c ed th at th is
clos e u p , M rs . Wo rth i n gto n h as someth ing on
her top lip th at loo ks a bit l i k e, well,
					 l i ke a . . .

51

I

am t ryi n g rea l ly h a rd not to stare.
( It ’s tri c ky not to . )



( Do n ’t s ta re. . . . Don’t stare. . . .

Look at h er fac e, not h e r mustach e.)


		G ood idea .

52

O K, M rs . Wo rth i n gto n,
I ’ ll do my bes t.

He re go es . . . .

53

r
t
o
h
i
W
n
g
.
t
S
on
R
M
AGH!

E

xt

rE

ME

E
C L Op S
u

-

I ’m gett in g th e feel i ng th at M rs. Worth ington
doe s n ’t lik e my po rtra it (o r me) very much
now .
54

ol
Scho
d
l
e
fi
tes
Oak om Ga
T
Re:
s,

s
m ha ue
o
T
s d
d
hat
ou t
his i I do
r. a n
y
T
M
.
m
e
r
for
tim
me.
Dea
to in t lunch rew of
is
y
r
r
a
d
ere
so
h
e
w
t
h
o
y
t
r
r
t
r
a
i
ait
ve
tomo e portra esson th a portr
I’m
n
o
e l
nti
ng
nat
dete unfortu learn th n drawi
e
e.
n
will
etwe ing rud
to a
b
m
o
e
T
nc
be
hope differe nd just
a
G
a BI etail . . .
d
h
wit
te
. Ga
Mrs

y,
erel
c
n
i
rs s
Yo u
gton
thin
r
o
. W
Mrs

(Le s s on lea rned . Do n’t let teach ers see my
draw in gs in future. )
55

W

he n I g et h o m e, Dad ALRE ADY k nows

ab out my detenti o n bec a us e M rs. Worth ington
h as p hon ed .

A n d m o re bad news — D elia

took the phone call so she knows about it, too.

Great ,
e nough.

M

l i ke th e letter wasn’t

rs . Wo rth i n gto n might as well h ave

an nou nc ed my detenti o n w ith a plane

TOM has Detention!

o r a h ot- a i r balloon

so eve ryon e i n th e w h ole town
k now s . ( Groa n . )

D

ad tel l s M o m , a n d now D erek isn’t

allowed to co m e over fo r ba nd practice
ton ight .

AND

s h e’s m a ki ng me do an

ext ra c hore.

“Sweep the kitchen floor or take out the
bins” ( w hich s m el l ). So m e c h oi ce.

56

D

e lia i s LOVI NG th i s . Sh e k eeps say ing

“Po o r litt l e
Diddums”

to me in a

really s t u p id baby voi c e, w h i c h is d riving me

c razy

. (B ut I c a n ’t let h er see



s h e i s g etting to me, or

she ’ ll k e e p o n s ay i n g it

ALL

night

lon g, a n d probably to m o rrow and th e
next day, too . )

D

ad g i ves m e o ne of h is little chats

an d te lls m e if I do n’t w o rk h ard at sch ool,
I ’ ll e n d u p l i ke h i m . Not s uc h a bad th ing if
you a s k me, bec a us e Dad ’s
got a p retty good job.

57

Chat
Chat

H

e ha s hi s ow n offi c e (wel l , it's a sh ed
in our g a rden ) w h ere h e work s on h is

co mp ute r, des ig ni ng s tuff. O cc asionally h e gets
to w or k in oth er people’s offices.

M

om lik e s it w h en th at h a p pens b ecause h e

h a s to d re s s up a n d h e ea rn s more money .



I prefer it wh en Dad

wor k s at h o m e bec a us e h e h a s a SE CRET stash
of c a rame l wafers

Co ok ies

that I eat (a nd

in th e sh ed
M om doesn’t

k now ab out).

S

o th ere I a m s weepi ng th e k itch en

floor w he n G ra nny M av i s pop s over to b orrow
a cook b ook.

58

coo k b oo k !
pick up a
o
t
Hello, Tom
y
! Just popping b

(I c a ll my g ra nny a nd g ra n ddad

						b ecause th ey
						are b oth old


a nd very ancient.)

“ You n ever us e coo kboo ks !” M om say s in a
su r p r is ed way .
“ I ’m inv iti ng th e w h ole family round for
l unc h, ” Gran ny s ay s .
“ R ea lly ?”
( O h, dea r. . . . Th at’s not really
good n ew s . Let m e ex pla i n . . . . )
59

very

We

eeeeeeee

B O B

60

!

G

ra n ny M av i s a nd G ra nddad B ob are

not you r u s ua l ki nd of g ra n d parents.

E s p e c ia l ly

w h en it co m es to meals.

They lik e to ex peri m ent a nd eat very odd

co mb in at ion s of food .

UGH!

pear
tea

onion

soup

ON
cornflakes

(Saves
time ap parently.)


A ls o,

(M o re on th at later.)

G ra nny i s j us t R UB B ISH at

cook in g. So M o m load s h er up with a pile of
cook b ook s i n th e h ope th at s h e might actually
follow a rea l rec i pe.

61

I’

m s t ill s weepi ng a n d try i n g to mak e

G ra n ny fe e l s o rry fo r m e by doing my
“ s ad fac e .”

H opeful ly sh e’ll slip me a

				 bit of extra pock et
mon ey (G ra nny do es th at sometimes).

B M
ut

o m tel l s G ra n ny why I’m
udeing!
R
swe e p in g t h e kitc h en .
draw
Oh,
dear. . .
( “ D etenti o n . . . bla h , bla h . . . d rawing . . .
b la h, b lah . . . m us tac h e . . . bla h, b lah .” )

A

n d now s h e wa nts m e to go to th e

shop to b uy

Milk! (w o rk, work , work )

“ So Gran ny c a n h ave a c up of tea.”

L u c k ily G ra nny g i ves m e extra money to

RE SU LT

b uy mys e lf a treat.

62

I

n t he s h op, I ’m dec id i n g h ow to spend my

t reat mon ey (s weets ? c a ra m el wafers? ) wh en I
sp ot

th i s week’s copy of
.

A n d on t he cover i s th e bes t band in
t he w hole w o rld,
I

HAV E

.
to buy it! A n d th ere’s even

e nough mon ey left over fo r two fruit ch ews.

Brilliant!
63

ere's the
h
W k?
mil

Mom as k s,

(Sudde n ly I rem em ber w hy I went to th e sh op
an d hide my copy of



.)

“ T he s hop h ad run out,” I s ay.
(

!

Qui c k th i n ki ng . . . must tell D erek

about
.

)

Gran ny Mav i s h a s h ot water with a slice of
ca r rot in s tead, w h i c h i s a bit b onk ers even for
her.

O dd

64

.

I have read the whole interview with
And I can’t believe they are actually coming to

.
O
U
R
TOWN
I go o n th e co m puter to listen to th eir

play a concert IN

late s t t rac k s a nd s ee w h ere e lse th ey ’re
p layin g.

T h is is AM AZ ING .

D erek is online

an d is j u s t a s exc ited about it as I am.
Dude3 Dude3 Dude3! WHOOOOOO

Derek

HOOOOOOO!!

Can’t wait, DUDE MAN. Will SO be
there!!!

Derek

ME TOO . . . BRILLIANT!! Can I read
your mag after? Bring to skool yeh!
Spread the DUDE3 word.
Dad calling, time for burnt food.

Derek

To m

To m

Pretend it’s fast food . . .
and eat it really fast . . . LOL!
Ha! Ha! Give it to Delia . . . she won’t
see it with her dark glasses. FREAK!

65

To m

Good

n ew s about th e co ncert.

B

ad

new s — me a n d Derek a re too y oung to go on
ou r ow n . Dad w i l l probably want to come, too.
W hic h is OK a s lo n g a s I c a n get h im to

PROMISE not to :

1.
2.
3.

Sing

Da nc e

Shame

Wea r a ny th i n g em barrassing

W hic h cou ld be tri c ky bec a us e h e lik es to do
all t hos e t h i ng s (s o m eti m es at th e same time).

Yw
M
t
i
I did

66

ay .

(G o bac k to read i ng my

Rock Weekly

caught up with the
Dudes while they
get ready to go on
tour, playing all
their hit songs:
"Dude3 Rocks!,"
"Rock Out,"
"Fever for the
Dudes." With a
new album out
soon, Dude3 is
unstoppable!

Oakfield - The Huge Arena – Fri 1st
Dessing Way Hall – Mon 4th
Wolfington – Corn Palace – Tue 5th
Colinbury – Pyramid – Fri 8th
Plannington – The Arena – Sat 9th
Bumbleton – The Big Dome – Mon 11th
Borem – The Rice Palace – Tue 12th
Sofferpool – Pool Apollo – Wed 13th
Cuddly – The NIT Arena – Sat 16th

Yeah!

Oa k fi e l d !

.)

H

a rd ly s lept at a l l la s t night.
Al l I c a n th i n k about is

com i ng to tow n . FA NTASTIC.
Eve n D e lia s eem s exc ited . (Fo r h er, any way. . . .
It’s hard to tel l . )

SAD

HAPPY

JO L LY

As lon g as s h e do es n’t s ta n d any wh ere near
m e, I don't m i nd .

68

T he t ic k et s co s t a

L OT

of money .

If I ’m going to g et DA D to p ay for th em,
I w ill have to be o n my

bes t

b eh avior at all

t ime s . T his w i l l be tough but worth it.
H ave t h e l,
nt ro
r e m ot e c o
Dad .

Yo u
OK?

C a ra m e l
wafe r ?

Te a ?

69

H av e
you
li c k e d
it ?

W h at h a v e
y ou b ro k e n ?

I

’ m read i ng my copy of

in t he bat h roo m w h i le Del ia i s BANGING

on

t he door outs ide. Th e c ro s s er sh e gets, th e
slowe r I read, a nd brus h i n g my teeth tak es

AGES.

t

m a kes m e late fo r sch ool again

(wor t h it , th ough ). So I do n’t b oth er b rush ing
my ha ir an d j us t g rab my c loth es off th e
l ot

he s pil

e

ca re s ) .

c

floor to wea r (th ey ’re c rum pled . . . b ut wh o

T he n I s tuff a s m uc h toast in my
mout h as p o s s i ble
easy on a bi ke).

To a s

t

to eat on th e

a nd tak e an apple
way ( wh ich is not

I ma ke it to M r. Ful lerm an’s class with
s e co nd s to s pa re.

70

BUSY

M e bei ng busy

71

I

’m fe e lin g pretty plea s ed with my self, so

I t ry anot h er c h eery s m i le at Amy , wh o for
some rea s o n m a kes a “Y O U’R E DISG U STING ”
fac e at me .
W hy?

M

milin
S
e

g
Hi, Amy!

Mr. Fu lle r m a n a nnounc es,

“I hope you’ve all remembered it’s
your Individual School Photo today.”

NO! NO! NO!



						( I forgot.)

72

S mug

mug M a rc us obv i ous ly d id rememb er. H e’s

look in g all s h i ny neat a nd n ew. Ugh .
Yuk

I ’m look in g s l ightly m o re c rum pled th an usual
due to my rus h ed s ta rt to th e day . Oh , well.
Neve r min d . H ow bad c a n a sch ool ph oto b e?

B u n ny
ears

73

T

he w hole c la s s l i n es up i n th e h all. I’m

secon d in l i ne after No rm a n Watson, wh o is all
tw it c hy an d jum py .

( I really h ope

Nor ma n h a s n't
			 eaten a ny s we ets.)
The p hotog ra ph er a s ks No rm an to
“stop jiggling around.”
(Oh, dea r. . . . H e’s defi n itely had some.)

Eve nt ually (after LOA DS m o re goes) Norman
sit s s t ill j u s t lo n g enough fo r one ph oto to b e
t ak e n .

74

T

he p hotog ra ph er w h i s pers,
“This is going to be a very long day.”

T he n it ’s my turn .

Flore nc e M itc h el l

(anoth er super-

sm a r t gir l) a nd A my a re watch ing me along
wit h t he res t of th e c la s s .
IDEA

I have an idea.

look a ll

p hotos of

I will try and

a nd

, a b it lik e th e

in

.

B R illiant!

75

B

ut t he p h otog ra ph er i s not impressed and

te lls me to “CHEER UP!”
So I t ry a n d s m i le (a bit) . . . th en h e say s

R E A L LY LO UD LY :

“Oh, dear. You’ve got something NASTY
stuck between your teeth.”
( SH AM E !)

H e wa lk s over a nd h a nd s m e a mirror. ( Could
t his b e any m o re em ba rra s s i n g ? )
“Better do something with your messy hair,
too — here’s a comb.”
Now

EVERYONE

is look ing at me.

(It j u s t got a lot m o re em barrassing.)

76

Sham

e

ToaST.

I

AP

Ple

.

have toa s t c rum bs a roun d my mouth and

b it s of a p p le s ki n s tuc k betwe en my teeth .
(Why d id n ’t A my tel l m e?) A n d now I’ve gone
b r ight red, too .

So

m uc h fo r a cool sc h ool ph oto. It’s

goin g to b e h ideous .
T he ph otog ra ph er ta kes my picture and I
can ’t get out of th e h a l l fa s t enough . I h ave
h u miliated my s elf i n fro nt of th e

ENTIRE

c la s s .

78

N

ow I w i l l be fo rc ed to h ide th is sch ool

M

p hoto from every o ne fo r th e rest of my life,
e s p e c ially

o m . S h e l i kes to send my sch ool

p hotos to a l l relati ves ac ro s s th e

WH O L E WIDE WOR LD

.

To M' S
S c h ool
P hoto

T

he re a re s eco n d cous i ns i n Outer M ongolia

w ho have my sc h ool ph oto s o n th eir walls.
To

tes
Vera Ga
Lane
n
e
re
5G
ngolia
o
M
Outer
d
The Worl

sed)
to enclo
ES's pho
AT
G
m
o
(T

79

I’

m look i ng fo r

D

erek o n th e play ground

an d I c an ’t fi n d h i m a ny w h ere. H is b ik e is in
t he s hed, s o I know h e’s h ere. I wonder if h is
sc hool p hoto wa s a s bad a s m ine? ( Impossib le.)
I a s k Solo m o n “Sol id ” Stewart ( th e

					 boy in th e wh ole

V ERY TA L L

sc hool) if h e c a n s ee Derek.

80

Solid p oint s to a boy o n th e climb ing frame.
He look s a bit l i ke Derek, but it can’t b e h im
b e c au s e his top butto n i s do n e up AND h e’s
got a hor r i ble, neat s ide pa rt .

SIDE
P AR T

“ Mom made m e,” Derek s ay s . “For th e sch ool
p hoto.” ( S h a m e. )
T he n D e re k h a n g s ups ide dow n on th e climb ing
fra me an d h i s h a i r go es bac k
to nor mal. W h i c h i s j us t a s
we ll, b e c a u s e no o n e i n



s h ould

eve r have a n eat s ide pa rt
l i k e t hat .

81

M
1
2
3

ore importantly, Derek and I chat about . . .
. How

i s th e

band

eve r.

. H ow we really n eed to go and see
t he m .

. How 					 need to
p racti c e m o re to beco m e th e
ban d

ever .

4 Cookies 5
.

best

wh ich are

b etter, c h ocolate o r c aramel wafers?

. A n d w h i c h to eat at band practice.
o
Ch

c o l at e

or

c a ra m e l ?

W ho c a res about s tupid sch ool ph otos?

82

r
fe le s
a
W od
Do

M

ATH

MF
r.

u lle rm a n h a nd s out our math

w or k s he et s .
O n t he outs ide I ’m fo rc i ng my self to look
fa sc in ated a n d i nteres ted i n M r. Fullerman's
su ms

— w h en rea l ly on th e inside I

am s t ill re l i v i n g th e h um i l iati on th at was my
school p hoto , over a nd over and over again.

HI DEOUS
S chool
Photo

I

w is h it wa s th e end of sch ool right now.

So to c he er my s elf up, I d raw a few more
ba n d logos a nd idea s .

84

I ’m c a refu l to do s o m e s um s a s well so it
look s lik e I’m “w o rki ng out” my

bie

one?
h
c
i
Wh

th

a

an s we rs .

og om
A d a z
s
t'

I am a

Genius!

M

a rc u s i s s tra i n i n g h i s h ead and try ing to

look ove r my s h oulder s o h e can see
w hat I ’m doi ng .

GET LOST,

MARCUS . . .

Ma rc u s
M a rc us

Idiot

Mr. Fu lle r m a n i s loo ki ng at m e now. So I put
my ar m r ight over my d raw i ngs and do a few
more s u ms .
86

bie
Zom rcus
ma

Sm

art
I

ov
mpr

eme

Ma rc u s is

nt!

bac k in h is ch air

now to s e e over my a rm . I think h e can see
my dood le s, s o I turn my bac k on h im. And h e
. Th en I

lea n s

back ,

an d he p ut s h i s h ead o n th e t ab le as if h e’s
t ryin g to s ee un der my a rm . H a!
“MARCUS . . . stop trying to look at Tom’s
work and concentrate on your own!”
Ye s, Ma rc u s,

No

c h eati n g . Serves h im right!

87

T

he n w hile th e attenti o n i s on M arcus, I

tak e t he c h a nc e to h ave a s neaky glance at
A my ’s pa per a nd m em oriz e a few
ans we rs . ( A t lea s t th i s way I will definitely
g et s ome r ight. )
The n I c a rry o n w ith my d rawings. ( I’ll
sh ow t he m to Derek later. ) Th is math
le s s on is t u rni ng out to be qu ite good after
al l.

R esult !

M KPOP
R.

likes to

EE N i s h ead of Oa k field Sch ool. H e
into classes to see what we’re

up to.

88

T

oday he dec ides to s ay h el lo to Class

5F

(us ) . L u c k ily I h ave s o m e i m pressive-look ing
mat h in fro nt of m e. (Th a n ks mostly to Amy .)

			“ H e llo, C lass 5F. ”


“ H el lo , Mr. Ke e n.”

Mr. Ke e n t h en la unc h es i nto t h e usual ty pe of
head ma s te r “c h at. ”

W hile he do es th at, h ere a re a few interesting

facts

about

MK
r.

een.

over
89

1.

H e h a s a very R ED fac e th at gets
redder w h en h e g ets c ross.

2. M

r. Keen g ets c ro s s quite easily .

H e re ’s a

R E D-O-M E T E R

th at

s how s c lea rly th e d ifferent stages of
red n e s s M r. Keen's fac e go es th rough .

Angry Very
Angry
RAGiNG

CROSS

3. M

R E D-O-M E T E R

r. Keen ’s ey ebrow s look lik e two


Caterpillars
ac ro s s h i s fac e.

90

c rawling

Mr. Ke e n is s ti l l c h atti ng w h en my stomach

grumb ly h ungry
LOUD
nois e s ( it ’s n ea rly l unc hti m e) . I’m h oping h e
st ar t s to m a ke rea l ly

might t a k e th e h i nt a n d s top talk ing. B ut h e
ca r r ie s on .

W

h en my s to m ac h g rowls again I

p rete n d it ’s not m e by s ta ri ng at M arcus.

Marcus!

?

Rumble
T he b e l l go es off fo r l unch b ut M r. Keen
st ill k e e p s ra m bl i n g o n a nd o n .
“I’ l l l e t y o u a ll g o to l unch now, ”
he s ays .
			 (A BO UT TI M E .)
91

T

he re ’s a tri c k to rus h i ng down to th e

cafete r ia w ith out loo ki n g l i ke y ou’re
a ny o ne out of th e way .

Ve ry fa s t wa l ki n g do es th e trick .
Fast walking

I grab my l unc h bo x a nd try not to tak e in
the s me ll of th e

( Un ide ntifi ed Food Obj ects )

				 th at a re b eing served .

On Mon day s, Tues day s, a n d Wed nesday s I

b r in g my lu nc h . O n Th urs day s and Friday s I
have sc hool food .
92

T

his is b ec a us e o n

Th urs day s

ha s sc hool l unc h a nd o n

FRI E S.

Friday s it’s

D

e rek i s a l ready s itti n g at th e tab le

eat in g. So I s it n ext to h i m , and th en Norman
Wat s on s it s next to m e. W h en I open my
l u nc h b ox t h ere’s a note i n s ide from my
G ra n ny Mav i s .

y!
jo
n
E
ve y
Lo a n n x
Gr x

93

(Oh,

NO! I

fo rgot. G ranny lik es

to he lp out a nd m a ke my pac k ed lunch wh en
she v is it s . A nd I wa s n ’t
t he re to s top h er. )

I’

La!
La!
La!

m rea lly h opi ng th at s h e h asn’t actually

t r ied to coo k

Look in g

a ny thi n g odd

for me.

i n my l unc h box, I can see

somet hin g th at loo ks a bit l i k e a piz za.
It is a p izza .
(So fa r s o good . )
Made in t h e s h a pe of a fac e.
I t hin k ?
It's my face . . . g roa n.

94

On

t he p iz za th ere’s

(O K),

c he e s e

tomato es

(O K),

( U GH ) .

olive s

A n d s omet h i n g el s e th at I personally don’t
thin k s hou ld

EVER

in a

million yea rs be s een o n a pi z za . . . ever . . .

La!
La!
La!

		(

W

h at wa s

G

95

ra nny th ink ing? )

A BANANA!
T he re ’s a

ba na n a o n my pi z za.

I t ak e it off rea l ly qui ck ly b efore any one
se e s t hat I h ave a ba na n a o n my piz za and
t hin k s I ’m wei rd .
Too late. . . .
A my a n d F lo renc e wa l k p ast me and b oth
p u ll a “ t hat’s d i s g us ti ng ” fac e at me and sit
at a not he r table.
T he n No rm a n Wats o n n udges me and say s,
96

“ Is t h at a ba n a na o n y our piz za? ”
“ Mayb e . . .” I s ay .

“YU M !

I ’l l h ave it if y ou

don ’t want it. ”

So I let No rm a n eat my banana and
don't as k a ny ques ti o n s .
D e re k w h i s pers,
“ T hat ’s gro s s ”

to m e. B ut Norman seems

ha p py e nough , s o I keep qui et . I eat th e rest
of t he p izza a ny way . (It ta s tes a b it
ba n a n a-is h i n plac es . )
Gran ny Mav i s h a s a few m o re unusual surprises
fo r me lu r k i ng i n my l unc h bo x:
Cuc u mb e r j ui c e i n a c a n .
L ave n de r a nd potato bi sc uits .
A n d a le mon .

(W hy ?)
97

D

e re k ha s s o m e m o re no rm al food for lunch ,

w hic h he s h a res w ith m e. (Th at’s why h e’s my
b e s t mate .)

B es t
m at e

We ’ re j u s t about to go out to b reak wh en
Mrs . Mu mb le (th at’s h er rea l name) mak es an
an nou nc e me nt over th e loud s p eak er. No one
ca n eve r u n ders ta n d w h at M rs. M umb le say s,
so you have to l i s ten c a reful ly .

98

I t hin k s he s a id To m G ates to see M rs.
Wor t hin gto n? . . . S h e d id .
I forgot ab out my detenti o n .

Groan .

I

have to h el p M rs . Wo rth i ngton put up all

the p or t raits we d id .
(Not t he one I d id of h er, obviously .)

Whe n s he ’s not loo ki ng , I add a few extra
det a ils to M a rc us ’s po rtra it. . . .
Whic h I t hi nk a re a g reat i m provement.

99

CLASS 5F SELF-PORTRAITS

Ross White

Paul Jolly

Solomon Stewart

Julia Morton

Norman Watson

Pansy Bennet

Mark Clump

Amber Tulley Green

Amy Porter

Trevor Peters

Leroy Lewis

Tom Gates

Brad Galloway

Florence Mitchell

I a m a n I DI OT

Indrani Hindle

Marcus Meldrew

Oh, no. M r.

Fu l le r man’s

b e e n look in g i n my noteboo k.

To m,
I’m sure DOGZOMBIES is a fantastic band.
But you need to concentrate on your MATH
in the future. (By th e way , I l i ke
t hi s l o go be st.)

DOG
ZOMB

ieS
man
Mr. Fuller

I ma k e a h ug e effo rt to pay attention in
les s on s, as I c a n ’t affo rd to get into any
more t rou b le. Es pec ia l ly if I want Dad to b uy
t i c kets . . . .
102

E

ve n t hough I know th at

M

om and

D

ad

w ill now u s e th i s at every opportunity to mak e
me do s t uff th at I rea l ly do n ’t want to do,
like:
“

E

at you r veg etables . . . if you want

th ose

				 ti c kets . ”

“ C lea n u p y our roo m . . . if y ou want th ose
t i c kets . ”
“ Let you r s i s ter i n th e bath room first . . .
if you want th o s e

I

tick ets.”

c a n hea r th em now .

Blah, !
B la h

Bla h,
Bla h!

Th i s i s not goi ng to b e easy .

103

I

’
m t rying to be extra good in M r.

Fu lle r ma n ’s les s o n.
I eve n

vol unteer to h a nd out th e sch ool

fie ld t r ip fo rm s .

M

a rc u s tri es to g rab h i s fo rm from me

st ra ight away .

I M
say

“

a nners

”

to h i m , th en leave h im

unt il la s t . M a ki ng h i m reac h for h is form a
few t ime s i s fun . U nti l M r. Fullerman gives me

T

on e of his

g la res .
AR E
er S T
h
c
ea

T he t r ip actua l ly loo ks l i ke it could b e quite
good.
104

to
Museum
ip to the
tr
mies.
s
m
s
u
la
c
m
s and
Year 5
n
a
ti
p
y
g
eE
look at th

e to take
would lik
d
n
a
s
n
a
ti
the Egyp
ct.
studying
f the proje
e
o
b
l
rt
il
a
w
p
e
s
w
a
m
rm
u
te
This
e Muse
packed
sses to th
ill need a
w
n
re
d
all the cla
il
t helpers
e ch
ed paren
ay and th
e
d
n
l
le
il
o
w
h
e
w
w
bus and
be for the
This will
veling by .
a
tr
e
b
l
il
ew
available
lunch. W
ission
anyone is
if
y
a
d
hild perm
e
c
r
u
o
on th
y
s
hich give
below, w
rm
fo
e
th
ll in
Please fi
the trip.
d
n
e
tt
to a
iver:

nt/Careg

Dear Pare

nks,

Many tha

rman

Mr. Fulle

------------P.
hool ASA -----------------------c
s
to
rn
-------nd retu
Tear off a -----------------------_
--_______
-----------_______
_
_
_
s
s
la
______ C
e______
m
a
N
m
's
d
il
Ch
e Museu
to go to th
d
il
h
c
y
m
ission for
I give perm
_______
_______
_
_
YES/NO
_
_
_
_
_
___ Print_
_
_______
_
_
_
_______
_
_
_
_______
_
Signed_
_
___
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_____
rgies?
_
e
_
ll
_
a
_
y
_
n
_
a
__
ve
___
_______
_______
r child ha
_______
t?
Does you re they?________
a
h
_
w
_
,
_
o
ta
? If s
_____
If so, wha ing any medicines ______________
k
_
_
ta
_
y
__
Are the
_____
_______
_______
_______
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
______
____
_______
trip?____
_
_
e
_
th
_
_
n
_
o
lp
______
____
ble to he
_______
_______
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
Are you a
_
_
_
_______
ame____
_______
_
Contact n
_
_
_
r_
e
umb
Contact n

( All done.)

T

oday

M r. F ul lerm a n

a s ks us to read out

to t he c las s our “W h at we d id on summer
holiday” s to ri es . I feel h a ppy ab out th is
because I got
m erits for mine.
It w ill b e a good oppo rtun ity to impress Amy ,
hop efu lly.

N or m a n
H e we nt to

Wats o n read s his first.

D I S N EYL AND .

He ’s S O lu cky ! (B ut h e d id n ’t get five merits
l i k e me . H a ! )
Ma rc u s Me ld rew got s ent away to summer
ca mp for nea rly th e W H O LE H OLID AY.
I t hin k he a nnoy s h i s pa rents as
mu c h a s he a n noy s m e. (I ’d s e nd
hi m away fo r th e w h ole y ea r if I could.)
106

J

u lia Mor to n’s “I foun d a n interesting sh ell”

story is not i nteres ti ng at a l l.
T his le s s on i s s ta rti n g to g et a b it d ull
w he n Mar k C l um p s ta nd s up and read s

NEW P ET S N AKE , ”

“MY

w h ich gets my

atte nt ion .
He te lls u s about th e m i c e h e k eeps in th e
fre eze r to feed th e s n a ke.
A n d how he bought th e s n a ke, wh ere it lives,
w hat t he s n a ke i s c a l led (S n a k ey . . . not very
origin al) . It’s a rea l ly good
story.
A n d t he

B EST

pa rt about t h e wh ole story

is w he n he reac h es i ns ide h i s desk and b rings
out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

107

HIS PET

s
Here'

S n a k ey !

ey!
Snak

It’s

awes o m e. B ut M r. Fullerman doesn’t

t hin k s o. N eith er do es h a lf th e class, wh o run
out .

M

r. Fu llerm a n m a kes M a rk put

h is s n ak e away . Th e sc h ool office rings
h is mom, w h o co m es to pi c k t h em b oth up.
Whic h is a s h a m e, bec a us e I really lik e snak es
an d I d id n ’t g et to s ee it properly .
A t t he end of sc h ool we get a note to
ta k e home .
t/Caregiver,

Dear Paren

t NO
parents tha
d
n
a
n
re
d
il
all ch
we remind
into school.
t
h
g
u
ro
b
Please can
e
b
y kind can
pets
PETS of an
. Especially
m
o
ro
s
s
la
c
s).
for the
(like snake
home, not
r
ry
a
fo
c
s
re
y
a
tl
h
ts
Pe
slig
considered
that can be
,

Thank you

Mr. Keen
r
Headmaste

S

p eak in g of pets, Derek i s g etting a new pet

I c a n’t wa it! Del ia i s allergic to dogs,
so I ’m not a l lowed to g et o ne. B ut D erek can
b r in g his dog over all th e time b ecause:

D OG.

1. I
2. D

rea l ly l i ke dog s .
el ia w i l l be fo rc ed to stay in

he r roo m o r s h e’l l h ave to go out.
Eit he r way s h e w o n’t be around to
a n noy m e.

Perfect!

110

Derek's Dog

D erek s e n d s me a p h oto of h is dog .
111

T

his we e k en d th e w h ole fa m ily is h aving

l u nc h at t h e old

h ouse.

M om is s tres s ed about w h at we’ll b e eating,
e s p e c ia lly s i nc e I m enti o ned my banana piz za.

D

ad is s tres s ed bec a us e h i s b roth er ( my

unc le Kev in) a n d h i s fa m i ly w i ll b e th ere. U ncle
Kev in s e e m s to know a lot of th ings. Dad say s
it ’s b e c a u s e h e’s a “know - it- all.”

A u nt ie A l i c e

a lway s la ugh s at U ncle Kevin’s

jo k e s, eve n w h en th ey ’re not funny ( wh ich is
mos t of t h e ti m e).
at
Wh

do
yo
uc

w
all a man

ith

M
air?
no h

y brot

her Frank!

Ha, Ha! Ha!

112

De lia is in a bad m ood bec a u se sh e doesn’t
wa nt to go . I s ay , “Del ia's got a b oy friend,
D e lia's got a boy fri en d,” w h i c h puts h er in an
eve n

worse

m ood .

M

om a n d Dad s ay s h e H AS to come.

Somet hin g tel l s m e th i s l unc h isn’t going to b e
m u c h fu n .

113

Lucki ly

th e Fo s s i l s are in a V ERY

good mood a n d h a ppy to s ee every one, wh ich
help s a lot.

Yo!

k id s !

Hello!

M

y t w in cous i n s a re a l ready th ere ( and

eat in g . . . th ey eat load s ) . Th ey are even taller
tha n Solid . I s ay “

Hi”

to th e m. Th ey don’t

t a lk mu c h; th ey j us t wave at me.

114

M

om as ks w h at we’re eati n g for lunch

today. We a l l l i s ten nervous ly .
Gra n ny an nounc es we’re h av i n g:
I n s id e

C hic k e n s tuffed w ith c h ee se.
R oas ted egg s ?
Pea s on a s ti c k.

I really hop e it ta s tes better th an it sounds.
115

W

e ’ re a ll s itti n g at th e tab le wh en U ncle

Kev in as k s Dad if h e’s gotten balder, wh ich
mak e s A u nt i e A l i c e la ugh .
Ha, Ha!

D

ad doe s n ’t loo k too h a ppy.

Gran ny s teps i n a n d a s ks,

OK?
Ye s!

“ Is eve ryt h i n g
We a ll s ay,

“

”
”

“ D e lic iou s ! ” “M m m m m ! ”
A n d n ic e t h i n g s l i ke th at. B ut I notice no one
is eat in g very m uc h a pa rt from th e cousins.
A n d D e lia i s s ec retly texti n g under th e tab le.

116

Unc le Kevin s ta rts ta l ki ng about th eir
“

A mazing

th ree-week h oliday in

					 G re ece.”
So I te ll every o ne about our terrib le two-day
ca mp in g hol iday a nd h ow it ra ined
an d t he te nt wa s wa s h ed away

put th e tent
STUPI
D
LY
up by t he s trea m . A n d th en h ow I fell out of

b e c au s e Dad
t he t re e . . . .

A u nt ie A lic e a n d U nc le Kev i n seem to b e
e njoyin g t he s to ry .

M om

an d

D ad

a re

Ha,
Ha!

G L AR ING

Ha, Ha!

at me in

a “ BE Q U I ET” ki nd of way .

G ra n ddad

c h a n g es th e s ubject and ask s me

about my ba nd .
117

St

o I te ll h i m about

an d

,

he n I tel l every o n e th at

is

co min g to play i n our tow n !
“

D

ad is

SO

bri l l ia nt, h e’s promised to b uy

t ic k et s for us to s ee th em ,” I say .
(Dad look s s urpri s ed but do esn’t say no.)
I ’m a

T

BES

ge n i us .

T

DAD

u r n s out th at th e cous i n s are H U G E fans

of

, too . It’s th e most excited I’ve

see n t he m s i nc e th ey w o n a ch ocolate fountain
at t he ir sc h ool fa i r.

118

Ho

aY
or

YEAH!

!

U

nc le Kev i n s ugg es ts we a l l go togeth er on a

“ b ig family night out. ” I do n’t mind wh o I go
w it h as lon g a s it’s not jus t D elia. So I say
“

Great ! ”

B ut Dad do es n’t look pleased at

all w it h t he idea . Es pec ia l ly wh en U ncle Kevin
st a r t s goin g o n about Dad 's “ terrib le taste in
mu s ic w he n we were g row i ng up.”

119

D

ad is j us t about to s ay s ometh ing to

Unc le Kevin w h en G ra n ny bursts into th e room
w it h . . .

“PUDDING! ”
Sh e ha s to ex pla i n w h at it i s, b ecause no one
ca n te ll.
It ’s a MA SSI V E pi le of bright pink
p a nc a k e s th at ta s te O K but
look lik e ho rrid raw bits
of live r.

120

O

n t he way h o m e, we s top off for fish and

ch ip s

bec a us e every o ne is still

hun gry.

M om
D elia

B

a nd

D ad

do n’t s eem h appy .

is miserable (no change there then).

ut I am V ERY h a ppy bec a us e:

1.
2.

I ’m defi nitely goi ng to see

					 now .



R esult !

G ra n ny g ave m e s o m e candy
a nd s o m e m o ney o n th e way out.
C a n’t wait to tell D erek .

(All I have to do now i s a s k

Amy

to th e

						 concert.)

121

T

oday I wa s o n ly a ti ny bit late for sch ool.

H id in g D e lia ’s s un g la s s es too k slightly longer
than u s ual. Sl i ppi ng th em i nto an open bag of
sa lad wa s i ns pi red, I th ought.
De lia w ou ld NE V ER h ave
fou n d t he m if M o m h ad n ’t
b ee n ma k in g s a n dw i c h es .
I got out of th e h ous e b efore D elia or
M om got t h e c h a nc e to tel l m e off.
Ju s t c re p t i nto c la s s i n ti m e for attendance.
Mr. Fullerman looks up from the attendance list

DAN
AT T EN
LI S T




a n d a s ks m e why I’m late.
CE

I do w h at a ny one would do in
my po s iti o n: blame my older

sis te r for loc ki ng m e i n th e bath room.

122

Mr. Fu lle r ma n m a kes a note of my excuse on
t he atte n da nc e l i s t, th en m oves on.

					PHEW!


i s n’t th e slightest b it

inte re s ted i n my exc us es bec a use sh e is too
b u sy me mori z i n g h er

( O h ! No ! not

th e s pelling test.

)

T his is not a good s ta rt to th e day . I’m
p a n ic k in g a nd w o n deri ng h ow I’m going to get
t hrough t hi s w h en s o m eth i ng b rilliant h appens.
I look ove r at M r. Ful lerm a n's desk and I

think I c a n s ee a l l th e a ns wers to th is week 's
spe llin g te s t. Th e pa per i s turned over, b ut I
ca n mak e out w h at th e w o rd s are back ward s.
An d copy th em dow n qui c kly b efore any one
not ic e s .

Lik e th is.
123

(Th i s tes t w i l l be easy -peasy now!)
sana

naB
saer
A
s ar e
maC
soi

(W h at I can see.)
salle daR
rbm
U
onai
P
oloS
atse
ananas
B

(What
i
eas
cits F
r
A

I
write
alP
s
a
r
e
m
a
C

down.)
s
o
i
d
a
R
las
Umbrel
Piano
Solo
Fi e s t a
Plastic

M

r. Fu lle rm a n beg i n s th e te st. I’m

p rete n d in g to th i n k c a reful ly and write

BIG

t he m dow n. A n d s tra ightaway I realiz e th ere’s
a ve ry

problem .

124

T he s e s p e lli ng w o rd s a re not th e same as M r.
Fu lle r ma n's . W h i c h m a kes m e t h ink I’ve written
dow n n ext week’s tes t i ns tead.
				 I ’m pa ni ck ing,


my m i n d 's go ne b lank , and



I ’ve m i s s ed the first



THREE

s pel l i ng s already .

FOU R s p e llin g s . . . F I V E s pel l i ngs . . . SIX-SE V E NEIGHT . . . th e w h ole tes t. I keep pretending
to w r ite, s o M r. Ful lerm a n do e sn’t suspect
anyt hin g, a nd h ope fo r th e best.

If

Mr.

Fu lle r ma n s pots th at I a l ready h ave next
we e k ’s te s t , h e m ight s m el l a rat!
cheat

T he te s t is over a n d we h ave to swap papers
w it h t he p ers o n next to us s o th ey can mark
t he m. Marc us h a nd s m e h i s pa per.
O h, dea r. I’m i n trouble now .


I h ave to th i n k quick ly . . . .
125

in
in
k
a
k
struc of a le
s
a
h
r
e
t
s
a
s
Di
ape
the sh

n.

!
H
AG

g

pe

M

r. Fu lle rm a n m a kes m e c lean up my ink

“ acc ide nt .” W hoops !
I get to c h ec k M a rc us ’s tes t.
He t hin k s h e’s do n e very wel l and is look ing
ext ra s mug .

Marcus Me
ld r e w
1 . p ot ao e
2 . V o lc a n o
3 . Ta t t w o
4. Kangero
ow
5. Hero
6 . I g lo o w
7. Echo
8. Mangoe

O

n ly 3 /8 fo r



M a rc us .
Not s o s m ug now.

127

3
8

A

my got 8 / 8 (s h e’s s o s m a rt).

I s ay “ WOW !

Wel l do n e, A my .” ( It’s

win d in g Ma rc us up. ) “You’re SO good at
spe llin g, a ren ’t y ou?”
The n A my s ay s, “Th a n ks . . . but I can’t d raw
l ik e you c a n . ” (S h e actua l ly s a id someth ing
nic e to me! )
So w hile t h e c la s s i s c h ec ki ng th e spelling, I
sh ow A my my lates t

D OGZOMBIE

draw in gs a nd a s k h er to pi c k th e b est one.
(She c hoos e s th e s a m e o ne a s M r. Fullerman.)

128

This

is t he lo ng es t co nvers ation I h ave ever

h ad w it h Amy . I tel l h er about
and how t h ey ’re play i ng i n our

A

A
BRILLIANT!

n d it t urn s out th at

t he m, too, w h i c h i s

town.

my RE ALLY lik es

I ’m t ryin g to th i nk about th e b est way to
inv ite A my to s ee

wh en sh e say s sh e

l i k e s s in gin g .
I s ay, “ I like s i ng i ng , too . ” Th en sh e say s,
“ R ea lly? ” A n d I s ay ,

Yes,

“

I c a n ’t g et enough of singing.”

So s he s ugg es ts I joi n th e sc h ool ch oir ( lik e
h e r ) an d I h ea r my s elf s ay ,
“ That ’s a

g reat

idea , I ’d

love to

join

t he c hoir.”

(WHY? WHY? WHY did I say
t hat ? )
129

Whic h
hi m,

“

is exactly w h at Derek say s wh en I tell

I ’m joi ni ng th e c h oi r. It will b e good

fo r my s in g i n g a nd th e ba nd . ”
“ You t hin k s o ?”

(Derek is not convinced .)
Derek

(No, I don ’t th i n k s o . B ut I ’m h oping Amy
w ill come a n d s ee

and I can’t tell

D e re k t hat. )
I p as s a c h oi r practi c e po s ter on th e sch ool
not ic e b oa rd . A nd I c a n’t bel ieve reh earsals
are at

LU N C HT IM E !

I don’t even get

to mis s a b o ri ng les s o n o r two.
I’ll go maybe once or twice to keep Amy happy,
t he n d rop out later o n .

Good p la n .
130

HEAD LICE ALERT!

KEEP CHECKING YOUR HAIR!
REGULAR COMBING
DON'T SHARE BRUSHES
SMILE!
IT'S SCHOOL PHOTO
TIME AGAIN THIS
MONDAY MORNING.
DON'T FORGET!

SINGING

IS FUN!
Come and join the
CHOIR with Mrs. Nap.
Practice on Wednesdays
at lunchtime in the
school hall.
EVERYONE WELCOME.

Groan.

School Assembly
I t ’s

I

a “ s p e c ia l a s s em bly ” today .
c an ’t b el i eve th at

MARCUS

5

is

gett in g a n awa rd fo r h i s vac ation h omework !
T his s e e ms very unfa i r a s I got
as we ll.

MK
r.

e e n,

merits

our h ead m aster, gives out

t he p r ize s i n fro nt of th e w h ole sch ool.
It w ill b e

s i c k - m a ki n g to watch M arcus

b e in g u lt ra s m ug . To m a ke it worse, M r.
Fu lle r man a s ks M a rc us to ta ke th e attendance
l i s t to t he sc h ool offi c e. M a rcus th ink s h e’s
somet hin g s pec ia l .
(While he ’s out of th e c la s s, I decide to add
my ow n com m ents to h i s w o rk .)

132

MK
r.

een i s s ta nd i n g i n front of th e

w hole sc hool .
He is te lling us th e us ua l s o rt of th ings th at
head ma s te rs l i ke to s ay .
“Lots of hard work . . .” ”Looking forward
to . . .”

I

’m s itt in g beh i n d

B la h , B la h , B lah .

Solid,

so I c a n ’t s ee m uc h of w h at’s
goin g on .

133

M N
“Mo r n i n g
rs .

a p lead s th e sc h ool in a rendition of

Has

Brok e n. ”

Sh e is anot h er o ne of th o s e very enth usiastic
teac he rs w h o

a lot from side to

side w hile s i ng i ng at th e top of h er voice.

Morning has
BROKEN!

P B
an sy

en n et



(don’t mess with

Pa n sy, s he ’s tough ) a n d of cou rse M arcus are
b ot h gett in g awa rd s .

B rad G alloway

(w h o h a s cool h air

)

i s n ext to m e. I tel l h i m to keep h is ey es
pe e led on M a rc us .

“ S s s s hhhhhhh. ”
Mr. Fu lle r ma n i s g i v i ng m e th e b eady ey e now.

					M K
BEADY eYes

r.

een say s,

“Today we have some very important
prizes to give out. Will Treasure
Alexander and Grace Cole come up and
get their certificates for good work on
their shared nature project.”

135

We

a ll c la p w h i le th e g i rl s s how every one

t he ir imp re s s i ve proj ect.

F r o g L i fe

“Will Pansy Bennet and Marcus Meldrew
come up with their excellent ‘My
Summer Vacation’ homework?”
Pa n sy hold s h er boo k up. It h as some nicelook in g w r iti n g a nd d raw i ng s in it. E very one
clap s . T he n s h e ta kes h er c er tificate.
Next Marc us h old s h i s w o rk up to sh ow th e
school. H e ’s pa rad i n g it a roun d so th e wh ole
school c an s ee w h at’s w ritten in h is b ook .
136

E

ve ryon e burs ts out la ugh i ng. And th ey k eep

la ughin g.

H

H! !

Ha

!

a

a
Ha!

a! H
H
!
Ha Ha!

Ha!

M a rc u s

H!

H!

a

a

a! H !
a

Ha!

!
H
a! Ha!

H

a

Ha!

(I enjoy th e m o m ent.)
t a kes a c ertifi c ate a nd sits back

dow n qu ic kly . H e’s s ti l l w o nde ring why
eve ryon e wa s la ugh i n g at h i m .
137

Ha!

I

w is h a l l a s s em bl i es were th is much fun,

b e c au s e for a s h o rt ti m e, I forget all ab out
p romis in g to joi n th e c h oi r. It’s only wh en
as s e mb ly's over a nd I wa l k pa st th at poster
again that it all comes flooding back to me. . . .
			 G roa n .

c ro ss

M r. Fu llerm a n i s not i n a good mood now

e it he r. ( He s us pects I h ad s o meth ing to do
w it h “ add in g ” to M a rc us ’s w ork .)

He re min d s m e about my rev i ew and tells us
about t he sc h ool co nc ert. (Th e ch oir will b e
sin gin g, a p p a rently . )
A n d if t hat’s not enough , h e gives us a sign-up
fo r m for pa rents ' even i n g .
How a m I s uppo s ed to fit i n band practice
now ?
138

I manage to get through the rest of the lesson
by concentrating

Very hard on two things.

1. W hat I ' m goi ng to eat fo r lunch .
2. T
 he s ma l l blac k f ly try i ng
to la n d o n M r. Ful lerm a n's

Blah, Blah,
Blah . . .

rou n d head .
It t a k e s a w h i le, but th e f ly gets th ere
in t he e n d . A nd M r. Ful lerm a n say s,
"Glad to see you're paying such
close attention to me, Tom."

W hic h ma k e s m e la ugh . Th en Amy mentions
“ c hoir p ract i c e at l unc hti m e. ”
“ Great , ” I s ay . “C a n't wa it. ”
(G roa n .)
139

Mrs . N

a p wel co m es th e new faces ( me)

to t he c hoi r. I never knew

Solid

the choir (he kept that quiet), and OH,

was in

NO

...

Ma rc u s is h ere, too . G reat, I can’t get away
from him.

A

my looks plea s ed to s ee m e, so th at’s

somet hin g.

M rs . Na p puts m e right next to M arcus . . .


AGA I N .

Sh e b e gin s by m a ki ng us do ridiculous warm-up
exe rc is e s fo r our voi c es . We p ull lots of silly
fac e s a n d m a ke odd noi s es . T h en we learn th e
son gs for th e co nc ert. W h i c h is surprisingly
fun . I ’m almost s ta rti n g to e njoy my self.

140

M rs . N a p

a s ks us a l l to s way from side to

side w he n we’re s i ng i ng .
We ’ re s u p p o s ed to a l l s way togeth er in th e
sa me d ire cti o n. B ut M a rc us keeps sway ing
(acc ide nt ally o n purpo s e) i nto me. So I
into
T he n he

HIM.

i nto m e a n d

foot . So I g i ve h i m a

BIG

on my

(whic h get s h i m off my foot).
T he n he

i nto m e
j u s t th at l ittle

AGAIN so
bit too hard

I
into

hi m. A n d M a rc us go es f ly i n g o nto th e f loor
(a s if he ’s been h it by a n eleph ant!).

141

N

ow he ’s s n i vel i n g o n th e g round, sh outing,

“Tom pushed me.
Tom pushed me!”


(H e’s SO a nnoy i ng.)
142

M rs . N a p h el ps M a rc us up. Th en send s M E
out , s ayin g,

“You should know better, Tom.
Perhaps choir is not for you after
all.”
I t hought I wa s doi ng

so well.

I d raw a p i cture of M a rc us, wh ich mak es me
fe e l b ette r.

a

d.

CROAK!

Ma

rc u

s

is

to a
y
m
sli

143

HISTORY
B ac k

in c la s s, M a rc us i s s itti ng as far away

from me a s po s s i ble. (Jus t a s well, I say .)
“

M a rc u s

A my

is a n id i ot,”

tells me.

Sh e s aw him pus h m e a n d tread on my foot.
(Maybe choir practice was a good idea after all?)
W hile A my i s feel i n g a ti ny bit sorry for me, I
t a k e t he oppo rtun ity to a s k h er ab out
. (I rem em ber A my LOV E S th e band .)
“ A re you goi n g to s ee th em ?” I say .
“

I W I S H !”

s h e tel l s m e. “I don’t h ave

a t ic k et .” Th en M a rc us (w h o j ust can’t h elp
hi ms e lf b e ca us e h e i s a no sy t wit) b utts in.

144

I

“ ’ ve got

V. I. P.

ti c k ets.”

His dad k now s s o m eo ne w h o
k now s s omeo ne w h o know s
some on e w h o h a s got th em ti ck ets. . . . Yawn.
I te ll him

V. I . P.

s ta nd s fo r

Very Ir r itating
		Pe rso n
.

A n d he b e li eves m e. H a ! H a !
So I inv ite A my to th e co nc ert with me and
D e re k , an d my dad .
(I don ’t me nti o n Unc le Kev i n, Auntie Alice, and
” and goes
t he cou s in s . ) A n d s h e s ay s “

OK

bac k to read i n g .

145

“Brilliant,”

I s ay , and th at’s it.

A ll s or ted . We’re a l l goi ng to see my favorite
ba n d . T hat wa s ea sy . Th en s tupid ly , I stop
l i s te n in g to th e h i s to ry les s o n and imagine
b e in g at t h e co nc ert i n s tead ( wh ich is much
more fu n ) .


i s fa nta s ti c — play i ng all th eir

great s on g s . S uddenly , i n th e middle of a

146

guit ar s olo, th e

g uitarist is tak en

ill and has to be dramatically carried offstage.

T he lead s ing er a s ks th e c rowd,

“D oes anyon e k n ow h ow t o p la y
son gs ? ”

“ M E! ”

I s h out a nd jum p onstage. Th e

crow d c he ers .

Amy

c h eers . D erek ch eers.

I s t a r t to play , a nd th e c rowd is amaz ed.
T hey b e gin to c a l l my n a m e.
Tom!

To m !

			 To m !

					To m !
147

TOM!

Mr. Fu lle r m a n i s s h outi ng at m e. ( I’ve missed
mos t of t h e h i s to ry les s o n . )
Wor t h it , t h ough .
W ill c at c h up to n ight a n d g et back into M r.
Fu lle r ma n ’s good boo ks by not b eing late for
t he sc hool tri p to m o rrow .
W hic h I ’m rea l ly loo ki n g fo rward to now.
148

School
Tr i P
Mr. Fu lle r ma n i s not plea s ed because I am
L ATE again . It wa s Del ia ’s fa ult ( well, th at’s
w hat I te ll M r. Ful lerm a n ) .
Eve ryon e is a l ready o n th e bus and very
exc ited, e s p ec ia l ly No rm a n Watson, wh o k eeps
lea p in g u p a nd dow n i n h i s s eat.

O
NO, Mrs.

n t he bus, I c a n o nly s ee one spare seat

left , r ight next to . . .
not

Fre e
s eat

Wo rth i n g"tash ” !

Hello,
Tom!

D
“Y

e re k ha s a l ready s aved m e a place by h im.

But he t hinks it’s funny to watch me panic.
ou r fac e! ” h e la ugh s .

“ Ha ! Ha ! Ve ry fun ny ,” I s ay .

AGES

T he b u s journey ta kes

b e c au s e s om e of th e c la s s needs to use th e
toilet a n d

Ju l ia M o r to n

feels carsick

(s he ’s gon e a na s ty s h ade of green).
So we have to keep s toppi ng .
Eve nt ua lly we a rri ve at
t he mu s e u m .

It ’s

HUGE,

w ith big

ston e s te p s up to old w ooden doors th at
have ma s s ive pi l la rs eith er s ide. Lots of oth er
sc hools are th ere (a l l better b eh aved th an us).

150

We get s p lit up i nto th ree g roups with one
teac he r eac h (we’ve got M rs . Nap).

W

e ’ re a ll g i ven a n

Egyptian Q

uiz

to do. I ’m i n A my 's g roup w it h D erek , so we
r u s h a rou n d th e m us eum , m o s t ly copy ing wh at
A my w r ite s . Th e qui z do es n ’t tak e
lon g, s o we g et to c h ec k out
t he gift s h op ea rly .

I k now exactly w h at I wa nt to b uy .

151

At

lu nc hti m e

S O M EO N E

( OK, me)

gi ve s Nor ma n h a lf a c a ra m el wafer. ( I forget
t hat s ugar m a kes No rm a n even more hy per
t han u s ual.)

We

E

a re al l s itti ng l i s ten i n g to th e

gyp t ia n

E

M

useum

x pert. Sh e i s s h owing us a real

mu mmy a n d tel l i ng us i n g reat

GO R Y

det ail how th e Eg y ptia ns w ou ld

“use a long hook to pull out the dead
person's brain through their nose
before mummifying them . . .”

Ju lia Mo r to n

go es g reen and feels

sic k again .

152

Nor ma n c an ’t s it s ti l l a nd wants to tak e a
clos e r look at th e m um my .
He

JUMPS

up a bit too quick ly and

p u s he s Brad G a l loway , w h o bumps into
Le roy, w ho fa l l s o n

Solid,

wh o accidentally

shove s Mrs . Wo rth i n gto n. Th en sh e falls
ove r a n d k noc ks i nto a very rare
Egyp t ian va s e. . . .

153

Than k fu lly ,
to

C AT C H it!

M r. Ful lerm a n m a nages

He ’s hold ing o n to it rea l ly t ightly and
b reat hin g a s igh of rel i ef just wh en Julia
Mor ton lea n s fo rwa rd a nd i s sick .
(I don ’t t h i nk th at’s w h at Egy ptian vases
we re or igin a l ly us ed fo r. )

154

The

mu s e u m ex pert c a n ’t g et rid of us

quic k ly e nough .
W hile Ju lia i s g etti n g c lea ned up,
we all get to go to th e g ift sh op again.
I b uy s ome bri l l ia nt Eg y ptia n tattoos.

O

n t he way h o m e th e bus i s much quieter

b e c a u s e s om e kid s h ave go n e to sleep, includ ing
Marc u s . W h i c h i s exc el lent news b ecause:

1.
2.
3.

I do n ’t h ave to l i s ten/ talk to h im

		 ( h e’s a nnoy i ng ).




I’m s ti l l c ro s s h e got me k ick ed
out of c h oi r practi ce.
It g i ves m e a c h a nce to try out
my n ew Eg y ptia n tattoos.

155

zz

W h i c h w o rk g reat!

D rool

156

z

z
zz

zz

I a m doi ng s o m e
m o re d raw i n g , w h ich
g ets m e

TH IN K ING
about s o m e oth e r
i nteres ti n g

stuff. . . .
M oon
Coo

kie

Rules:
He re are a few

rules

ba s ed on stuff th at’s

ha p p e n ed to m e (s o it’s a l l tr ue).

Rule 1.

Sc hool p hoto s a re a lway s

HIDEOUS

.

It ’s t he law, I th i n k. E ven if a world-famous
p hotograp h er wa s to ta ke a sch ool ph oto, it
w ou ld

S T IL L

be rubbi s h .

Rule 2.

H I D EO U S
sc h ool
ph oto

You r s ib lin g s (i n my c a s e, Del ia) k now way s to
an noy you th at nobody el s e does.

Rule 3.

ou r p are nts g et
Y
w it h age .

M ORE
158

embarrassing

M y d ad

i s now offi c ia l ly the

WORLD CHAMPION

of em ba rra ssing dads.

Whe n we got bac k fro m th e sch ool trip, Dad
was t he re to pi c k m e up.
He wa s wea ri n g :
A n as ty-colo red po m po m h at with h is name
o n it .

M

N K
F R A

uddy j ea ns ti ed up w ith a piece of string.

NO bel t, jus t
A gr u b by s h i rt w ith h oles a nd patch es.
A n d filt hy old Wel l i n gto n boot s.

159

.

SAD

H at

TOM!
STRI

P

S h a me
NG

Mud

es
AT C h

Mud
M UD

“I ’ (veL

been g a rdeni ng ,” h e said.

ik e th at’s a n exc us e!

)

“ We ll, I w o n’t both er to pi c k y ou up again.”
(If on ly.)
Brad Galloway a nd M a rk C l ump b oth th ought
he was a t ra m p.
160

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

“ Look at t h at tra m p over th e re, ” th ey
la ughed .
“ I magin e if h e wa s

YOUR DAD

!”

Brad s a id .

Ha!

“ H e is my dad,” I told th em . I could n’t get
ho me fas t enough .
I on ly forg ave Dad w h en h e p ulled out four
(s light ly muddy )

tick ets from h is

p oc k et .

BRILLIANT !
( T h at ’s

w hy h e c a m e to

p ic k me u p .)
I ’m offic ial ly exc ited now a nd very h appy .

161

At

hom e Del ia s poi l s everyth ing by

wav in g my sc h ool ph oto a round and laugh ing
at it .

“

Freak

ph oto or WH AT? ”

A n noyin gly, I h ave to ag ree. It’s AWF U L,
te r r ib le, a rea l ly rotten, c h eesy picture.
H I D EO U S
sc hool
ph oto

I
AGHH!
I

’ ve got odd h a i r a nd a red face. I k new it

w ou ld b e bad, but not that bad.

grab it bac k fro m h er a n d try to h ide it

b efore Mom s ees it. Del ia s ay s,
” TOO L ATE,

NERD BOY.
162

”

A p p are nt ly M o m loves it a n d h as already
orde red ab out a m i l l i o n copi es for th e entire
fa mily. . . .


Groan .

To M' S
S c h ool
P hoto

I

te ll D e rek about th e

D e re k

tick ets.

t e ll s m e h e’s got h i s N E W PU PPY!!

He’s going to bring the puppy over to my house
ton ight for ba n d practi c e s o I can see it.
(Als o t hat w i l l keep Del ia away .)

163

M

r. Fullerman appears to be in a good mood.

(De s p ite me o nly j us t m a ki ng it to sch ool on

AGAIN )

t ime . . . and fo rg etti n g my review h omework
.

“Today we’re going to be making models of
pyramids.”
(Whic h s ou n d s l i ke fun fo r a ch ange.)
He p ut s u s i nto g roups . I ’m with Norman,
A mb e r, Pa nsy , I nd ra n i , a n d

S olid .

(I have to m ove tables . )
Solid has a good idea for the shape of the model.
“ It s hou ld be s o rt of py ra m id-sh aped? ”

Geni us

.
164

I

n d ra n i d raw s a c a rd tem plate, and Amb er

cut s it out . Th en we a l l h el p to cover it in
g lue a n d p a per, w h i c h m a kes a nice and sturdy
m ode l.
Eve ryon e is w o rki ng tog eth er really well
(u n u s ually fo r C la s s 5 F ) . O ur py ramid is
act ually s t a rti n g to loo k a bit lik e . . . a
py ramid .

M

r. Fu lle rm a n ’s attenti o n i s on M ark Clump’s

g rou p , w ho a ren’t doi ng s o well.
165

T he n Nor ma n s ta rts to g et bored. ( H e gets
b ored eas ily . )
“ Let ’s mak e a m um my ,” h e s uggests.


Great Idea.

Nor ma n gets s i x toi let pa per rolls from th e
sc hool toilet a n d tri es to “w rap up” Solid.
But t he re ’s not enough pa per to cover h im
(too b ig an d ta l l ) . So we us e Norman instead .
He ’s s ma lle r but a lot m o re fidgety .
“

K

e e p s t il l ,

Norman,

166

” I tell h im.

It

’s not ea sy coveri ng h i s le gs and h ead

w it h t he T P . W h en h e’s fi n a l ly mummified,
Nor ma n s t a rts wa l ki ng a round with h is arms
st ret c hed out (l i ke a rea l m um my ).
OAAAAAA,
OO
O
O
WH
OOOOOO OOOOAAAAA!
He ma k e s
noises.
O
O
WH
OOOOO
It ’s ve ry rea l i s ti c . H e’s good .

AGH!

He ’s sc a r in g A m ber.

Mr. Fu lle r ma n loo ks over to s ee wh at we’re up
to.

Suddenly, M r. Keen th e h eadmaster
b u rs t s into th e c la s s roo m .
( On o ne of h i s l ittle visits.)

167

N

or ma n i s s ti l l beh i n d th e door. H e doesn’t

move .

M r. K e e n

a s ks about th e sc hool trip and

admire s ou r py ra m id w o rk.
(W

HHH

HOOOOOOO

WOO
,
A
A
O
O

O

OO
OOO

OOOOAAA)

“ W hat’ s t h a t s t r a n g e
m oani ng n ois e ? ”
The c la s s s ta rts la ugh i n g .
(W

HHH

WOO
HOOOOOOOOOAA,

OO

OOO
OOO

OAAA)

“ The r e i t is a g a in . ”
M r. Ke e n ’s fac e s ta rts to h over around th e
“ g ett in g c ro s s ” colo r o n th e

ed- O- Meter
R
w he n he ’s c a l led away

Angry Very
Angry
CROSS

by a n an nounc em ent fro m

RAGiNG

R E D- O- M E T E R

Mrs . Mu m ble. A n d a s M r. Keen closes th e

door, eve ry o ne c a n now s ee Norman mak ing
168

WH

OO
OOO

OOOOOOAAA

WO
OOOOOOOOOAA,
nois e s a n d preten d i ng to be a mummy .
HHH

I nc lud in g

Mr. Ful lerm a n.

W ho’s not i n s uc h a good m ood now.

O
OO

OO

A
AAA

A,

WHHOOOO
A
AAAA
O
WH
O
HOOOOOOO

It ’s b e e n a n eventful
day at sc hool .
janitor Stan replacing toilet rolls

169

I

can’t wait to meet Derek’s new

now ! He ’s very c ute (unl i ke Derek ),

PUPPY

alt hough I c a n s ee a s l ight s imilarity from th e
p ict u re he e- m a i led m e.

W
Good dog!
		D
Bu

e let h i m run a round my h ouse . . . . . . .

into D e lia ’s roo m . W h ere h e ch ews a few pairs
of s u n gla s s es a nd jum ps o n her b ed .

el ia i s furi ous .

t s h e h a s to keep her d istance

b e c a u s e s h e’s a l lerg i c to dogs.

De re k an d I a re busy practi cing some new
tunes (De rek ’s dog

i s s in gin g s o rry ,

along)

170

O



w
Ow

l

Hello!

w he n Dad pops h i s h ead a roun d th e
door. He wa nts to know if we need
anot he r gu ita ri s t fo r th e ba n d . ( We don’t.)
He s ays t hi ng s l i ke th at i n a jok ey k ind of
way. But s o m eti m es I th i n k h e really means it.
Dad re min ds us about th e co ncert next week .
Apparently Delia’s not coming with us
because she’s going with “friends.” (I think she
has a boyfriend, which is a horrible thought.) At
least she won’t be able to spoil my fun like usual.
U nc le Kev i n , A unti e A l i c e, and th e twins
are meeting us at the concert. I feel
sor ry for a ny o n e w h o en d s up
st an d in g b e h i nd th e tw i n s . They
w on't s e e a th i n g .
D e re k a n d I d i sc us s wea ri n g our
T- s hir t s .
(M u s t c he c k w h at Dad pla ns to wear j ust in
ca s e it ’s too em ba rra s s i ng . It will b e.)
171

C a n't
se e

M

TO M . . .
WORK?
E
M
O
H
r
s you
where i

r. Fu lle r m a n i s i n a rea l ly

mood

today.
I k e e p fo rg etti ng to bri ng in my review
h omew or k .
I ’m goi n g to g et a noth e r detention at
this rate .
H e ’s not plea s ed at a l l .

P lu s

we have pa rents ’ eveni ng tonight

(I forgot about TH AT a s wel l).
Now M o m a n d Dad w i l l be th e LAST
p are nt s to s ee M r. Ful lerm a n.
Bec a u s e I did n't bri n g i n my form.
Bein g las t w i l l g i ve th em fa r too much time to
look at my w o rk a nd “c h it- c h at” with every one
(teac he rs a nd oth er pa rents — it will b e awful).

172

M

r.

F u llerm a n

CLASS

g i ves us today ’s work .

5F

piece
o write a

ut
’d like yo
I
,
y
a
d
o
T
S.
HOBBIE

ur

about yo

school.
tside of
u
o
o
d
u
ing?
g that yo
Anythin
ing, sing
m
im
w
s
music,
Sports,
mps?
llect sta
o
c
u
o
y
Do
?
drawing
e
k
li
u
o
y?
Do y
he hobb
t
t
r
a
t
s
you
u?
Why did
an to yo
e
m
it
ent?
s
e
l equipm
ia
What do
c
e
p
s
y
need an
lse?
s?
Do you
ny prize
nyone e
a
a
n
o
t
o
y
w
b
u
is hob
Have yo
mend th
m
o
c
e
r
ou
Would y
ase.
age, ple
p
ll
u
f
e
least on
Write at
rman

Mr. Fulle

M mmmmm . . . h obbi es ?
173

My

hob b ies a re

		 a n noy i n g Del ia ,


bei n g i n a ba nd,



a n d eati ng c a ra m el wafers.

I cou ld w r ite a w h ole pag e o n annoy ing D elia,
b ut I ’m not s ure th at’s w h at M r. Fullerman h ad
in min d .
W hat to write? W h at to w rite? ?


— I ’l l m a ke up a more

inte re s t in g h obby fo r m e to do. Someth ing
fun ny.

Good idea.
174

We s p e n d m o s t of th e day sorting out our
cla s s room a nd g etti ng our boo k s ready for
p a re nt s ’ eveni ng .
Ma rc u s leaves h i s notebook out on h is
de s k w hile h e go es to th e toi let.


( M i st a k e ! )

I s lip a few d raw i n g s I ’ve done in
b et we e n t h e pag es of h i s w o rk .
(That s hou ld m a ke h i s pa rents’ evening more
inte re s t in g. )

Mr. Ful ler ma n
is PIG MA N

My parents
are thick
Ha,
Ha,
Ha!

by Marcus
175

Ha,
Ha
Mr.
Is an
Fullerman IDIOT

M

om an d Dad (a s pred i cted ) are not h appy

that t hey’ ll be th e la s t pa rents to see M r.
Fulle r man .
It’s always a bit wei rd co m i n g back into sch ool
i n t he eve ni ng . Es pec ia l ly w h e n th e classroom
i s all c lea n a nd tidy (not l i ke normal).
M r. Fu lle r m a n i s wea ri ng a s uit
and look s u nco mfo rtable.
Dad is wea ri n g a terri ble
T-s hir t , s o I beg h i m to
leave his jac ket o n .

176

SHAME

M Om

in s is ts o n loo ki ng at E V ERY piece of

w or k u p on th e wa l l s . Wo rs e still, sh e
LOVELY
work!

k e e p s t alk in g to teac h ers
t hat I don ’t h ave les s o n s

A
N
D
k now .
w it h

It ’s

SO

pa rents of kid s I don’t even
He llo

em ba rra s s i n g !

I s p ot S olid , w h o do es n’t loo k h appy ( h e
look s J U S T l i ke h i s

dad ,

though ).

“Pa rents ’ evening
s uc ks,” h e wh ispers.
I ag ree.
T he n I s e e A my . H er pa rents are with M r.
Fu lle r ma n a l ready . Th ey a re both smiling and
la ughin g ( no problem s w ith A my ’s work , th en).
177

D

ad s ays h e’s got A my ’s

in his p oc k et

tick et
a n d h e could

gi ve it to
her “ folk s ” now .
(Folk s ? D on ’t s ay fol ks, plea s e ? )
So we wa it fo r th em to fi ni sh . Th en Dad
st r ik e s u p a co nvers ati o n w it h Amy ’s dad
about

MUSIC

i n a rea lly l o u

d

voice.

A my rolls h ers ey es a n d loo ks at me.
“ Sor ry, ” I s ay , a n d we both h ave to stand
t he re a n d wa it fo r our pa rents to stop
e mbar ras s in g us . Th ey c h at for ages ab out all
k in d s of r ubbi s h .
T he n Dad fo rg ets to g i ve
t he m t he ti c ket after
all t hat !

178

Fi n a lly, w he n

M r. Ful lerm a n h as seen all th e

othe r p a re nts, it’s our turn . . . groan.

He

b r in g s out a folder th at’s full of

lette rs .

lette r
s
'
m
o
T

s

“Can I start with Tom’s letters from home?”
h e s ays .
M om a n d Dad loo k a bit puz z led.

Not the
LETTERS, NO!!
					 (I ’ve b een rumb led.)

179

an,
Fullerm
.
r
M
r
Dea
and
a cold
s
a
h
m
Poor To sports outside
o
can’t d
er.
v
. . . e
Dear Mr. Fu
llerman,
m
o
r
f
e
v
Lo
Please can
Tom be
es
t
a
G
a
t
excused fro
Ri
m
spelling th
is week.
He’s had a
difficult we
ek
(f a m i l y s t u
ff).
Thanks,
Rita Gates

Dear Mr. Fullerman,
Tom has been helping his
sick grandmother and has
not been able to do his
homework.
Sorry,
Rita Gates

180

Dear Mr. Fullerman,
Tom’s delayed homewo
rk was due to his
sister being nasty
to him and not
letting him use the
computer. We have
told her off.
Thanks,
Frank Gates
Dear Mr. Fullerman,
g his sick
Tom has been helpin
s not been able to
grandfather and ha
do his homework.
Whoops,
Frank Gates
Dear Mr. Fullerman,
Please can Tom be excused from
swimming?
He is allergic to water chemicals in
the water.
Thank you,
Rita Gates
181

It ’s not a good s ta rt to pa re nts’ evening.
(What c an I s ay ? It w o rked for a wh ile.)
But t he good new s i s, I ’m doing well in ART
an d En glis h .
Spe llin g is o n ly s o - s o . C ould i m prove at math .
C ou ld do b etter at sc i enc e a nd h istory . G ood
at P.E.
It ’s not a ll bad .
Room for i m provem ent, M r. Fu llerman say s.
T hey have a n i c e c h at about me ( lik e I’m not
t he re ) .
t,
C h a at .
ch

182

Tom
thi s,
Tom
that.

I s mile a n d ag ree not to :

1.

C h at s o m uc h .

2 •
3•

so much .

Fa ke letters fro m h ome again.

Ge n e rally I ’m a n O K kid .
It ’s a reasonably good pa rents’ evening.
T he n Mom a n d Dad both read

“MY NEW H OB BY ”

(wh ich I completely

fo rgot ab out). A n d it a l l go es H ORRIB LY
w ron g.
From t he loo ks o n th ei r fac es I can see
t hey’ re not h a ppy .

183

MY NEW HOBBY
			B y To m G ates
My mom an d dad l i ke to us e my pock et money
as a n ext ra way of m a ki ng me do th ings I’m
not ve ry k e en o n doi n g .
For in s t anc e:
“ C lean u p y our roo m . . . o r no pock et money .”
“ Eat you r veg etables . . . o r no pock et money .”
“ Be n ic e to y our s i s ter . . . o r no pock et
mon ey.”
(Whic h I t h i n k i s po s s i bly ag a inst my h uman
r ight s ? ) A nd if th at’s not bad enough , Dad
se e ms to t a ke g reat plea s ure in placing my
mon ey in very h igh
p lac e s . L ik e doo rs,
she lve s, a n d
anyw he re I c a n’t
eas ily reac h it.

184

Wh
M
I

e n I do fi n a l ly g et my h and s on it,

om often bo rrow s it bac k to b uy
E m ergency sh e say s.
milk a n d n ew s pa pers .
m oney ,
d iscove red my n ew h obby completely by

acc ide nt .
Fed u p lis te ni ng to M o m a n d M rs. Fingle
(D e re k ’s mo m ) “c h it- c h atti n g ” outside th e sh ops
(for w hat s eem s l i ke H O UR S), I sit on th e
pave me nt a n d loo k

C hci th-a t t i n g

rea lly b ored

M rs . Fi ngle

(my le gs
ac he, too) . W h en s o m eo n e wa l k s past me, h e
drop s s ome m o ney i nto my la p.

R

eal mon ey !
It ’s

BR IL LIAN T

!

(I t hin k t hey m us t feel SOR RY for me!)

185

So

I p ut o n a n even sadder face, and

some on e e ls e g i ves m e a noth e r $ 1.
By t he t im e M o m a nd M rs . Fi ngle h ave finish ed
t a lk in g, I ’ ve m ade

$ 3. 70

all on my own.

W hic h get s m e th i n ki ng . W h at if I use a
				 w ritten sign lik e

					 a nd wear some old
					 w o r n-out cloth es?

So I give t h at a go , too , a nd sure enough I
mak e eve n M OR E m o n ey .
T he great th i n g about my new h ob by is y ou
ca n do it a ny w h ere a nd y ou g et to meet

186

lots

of d ifferent people. And now I

don ’t have to rely o n M o m a nd Dad for my
p oc k et mon ey a ny m o re. It’s a h ob by I would
re comme n d to


E V ERYONE .

I a m a ls o i n a ba n d c a l led


B ut we don’t mak e any



m o ney at all ( y et).

Th e E nd

187

“YO U ’ V E BEE N
BE GG I N G ?
BE GGI NG !

I C A N ’ T BE LI E V E I T! ”

M om

an d Dad keep loo ki n g

at me and

sha k in g t he i r h ead s .
(I wa s n ’t b egg i ng ; it’s j us t a story. )
O n t h e way h o m e, th ey remind me again
every o n e i s a s lucky as y ou,
t hat “

not

To m.” A n d “B egg i ng i s no jo ke !”
I ’m t ry i ng to co nv i nc e th em th at I
was not b e gg i ng . I tel l th em I was using my
im agin at ion .
I w ou ld NE V ER beg . E ver!
“ It wa s jus t a s to ry ! You k now,
p rete n d in g . . . h a , h a , h a ?”
I t hin k th ey bel i eve m e now. Ph ew.
188

D

e l ia h ea rs M o m a nd Dad talk ing

ab out my p a rents ’ even i n g a nd h ow th ey
thought I ’ d been begg i ng .

S he

s uddenly co m es over and offers me

a c ara me l wafer.
up to s ometh i n g ,
it.

E ven th ough I KNOW
I
stupidly go

sh e’s
to tak e

“ I hea r y ou’re good at begging? B eg for
the wafer, then,” she says, and wafts the wafer

S
O
“please.”

in front of m e. I wa nt th at wafer
bad ly t hat I actua l ly s ay
A n d s he s ay s,
So I s ay,

“Say pretty please.”
“Pretty please.”

				 (It’s s o humiliating.)
189

“

I

c a n’t h ea r y ou! ”

“PRETTY PLEASE!”

T he n , to my s urpri s e, Del ia actually h ands over
t he wafe r a n d go es off la ugh ing.

It’s on ly w h en I try to ope n th e wafer
that I real i z e th at I h ave fa llen for th e old
“ emp ty wafer w ra pper” tri c k.

V
V

Em

e ry fu n ny , Del ia .

p ty

e ry fu n ny .

I s udde n ly feel i ns pi red

to write a new

so n g. W he n Derek co m es over later,
I s how him a new s o n g I ’ve j ust
wr itte n for
DOG

H e lik es it a
ZOMBIES

Delia’s a Weirdo
W ho’s t hat wei rdo over th ere?
D re s s ed i n
W it h grea sy h a i r
You c an ’t trus t h er
S he ’s not ni c e
S he ’s got no h ea rt
Ju s t a b loc k of i c e
C horus
Del ia
			 S h e’s a WEIR D O
			 Del ia
			 S h e’s a GEEK
			 Del ia
			 Sh e’s a WEIR D O
			 Del ia
			 S h e’s a FR EA K
D e lia’s a g rum py m oo
D on ’t let h er
S t a n d n ext to y ou
Big b lac k g la s s es
H ide he r ey es
S he rea lly s m el l s
A n d t hat’s no l i e
C horus
191

B AScChoKol
at

for
m, I’m still waiting
To

your HOMEWORK.

(I got c a r r i ed away practi c i n g “D elia’s a
We irdo.” It’s s oun d i ng rea l ly good. I h ave
w r itte n a few m o re good verses. Will h ave to
do homew o rk

TONI G HT

b efore t he

I ’ SO
m

on

co nc ert .)

excited I can hardly concentrate.
v.i.p. v.i.p.
v.i.p. v.i.p.

Marc u s is goi n g o n a nd o n a nd
ab out h i s

V. I. P .

ti c k ets.

“ S hut up, M a rc us . ” E ven Amy is fed up

w it h him.
Mr. Fu l lerm a n rem i nd s us th at
is not t he o n ly co nc ert co m i n g up.
(H ow d id h e know about
192

? ).

“Don’t forget about the SCHOOL CONCERT,”
he te lls u s .

W

he n

M

r. Ful lerm a n s ta rt s th e lesson, I’m

t ryin g to w o rk out h ow m a ny h ours it will b e
b efore t he co nc ert s ta rts .

LOADS

. . . too many .



T h e c loc k i n th e c la ssroom



do es n’t s eem to be moving at all.
T his i s th e

les s on Mr. Ful lerm a n h a s ever given us.

NOT

I a m s t a r in g
defin ite ly

T he more I s ta re

at th e c lock and it’s
m ov i n g .
. . . th e slower th e time

go e s .

193

A

n d Mrs . M um ble keeps i nte rrupting th e

le s s on w it h a nnounc em ents that no one can
un de rs t a n d.

“Did anyone understand that?” M r. Fullerman
as k s . T he n s h e s ay s it ag a i n , b ut it’s no
clea re r. ( T h i s les s o n i s
to e n d ! )

M

n e v er

going

r. Fu llerm a n leaves th e c lassroom to ch eck

what ’s goin g o n . “ I t m i g h t b e im po rt a nt , ”

he s ays . ( A s if. )
W hile he ’s go ne, I h ave a

BRAINWAVE!
194

I stand on the table and
the clock

forward

MOVE

the hands on

so the lesson is nearly

finished. ( T h i s go es dow n wel l
w it h my c la s s m ates . )
!
,
ay o r ay
r
o
ho
Ho

HOORAY!

Mr. Fu l lerm a n loo ks s l ight ly

con fus ed w h en h e co m es back .


H e c h ec ks h i s ow n watch .



“ I s t h e c l o c k fa s t ? ”

			 “NO, MR . FU LLERM AN.”
“Has anyone touched the clock?”
“ NO, MR . F ULLER M A N . ”
He notices the clock is slightly wonky on the
wall. Mr. Fullerman is not convinced. He stands on
a chair to put the clock back to the right time.
u n c e m e nt .
a n ot h e r a n no
s
e
k
ma
M u m b lrem a n j u m p , a n d h e w o b b l e s
.
s
r
M
s
a
t
lle
Ju s a k e s M r. F u
It m
n t o t h e f l o o r.
o
d
n
a
h
a
r
i
c
o ff t h e

I t ’s a d i s a ster !
195

(

W

e ’ ll

n eve r

g et out of th is lesson at

t his rate .)
Not that I’m being unsympathetic. But this is
turning out to be the longest lesson

M

EVER

.

r. Fullerman is wincing in pain and takes

TWICE as long to do or say anything. And the
rest of the day doesn’t go any faster.
(It’s like someone knows it’s the concert tonight
and is deliberately slowing the world down.)

M ath

i s a d rag .

P.E.

tak es forever.

I ’m gett in g c h a n g ed out of my P.E . k it in th e
loc k e r room w h en th ere i s a noth er really loud

G
N
I
R
A
BL

nois e t hat s ta rts



So met hin g even

out of th e speak ers.

(Not M rs . Mumb le th is time.

louder . )
196

Mr. F

u l lerm a n s ay s it’s a

rm
a
L
A
E
R
FI

DRILL!

“Leave everything and exit in an

orderly fashion. DON’T RUN! Go outside.”
I ma n age to g rab my s h o es a nd follow
eve ryon e e l s e outs ide to th e p lay ground . E ven
t hough we h ave to

wa it

for attendance to

b e t ak e n a nd wa it fo r a l l th e oth er classes to
co me out . Ti m e s uddenly s eem s to b e

F LY
ING

by . M a inly b ecause

Ma rc u s ha s left h i s pa nts
b e hin d a n d i s s ta n d i ng i n th e play ground in
jus t his b r i efs .

M rs . N ap

g i ves

hi m a s weater to ti e a roun d h is waist.
Now it looks l i ke h e’s wea ri n g a sk irt.

197

It ’s t he funniest th i ng I’ve seen in
ag e s .

198

Mr. Fu l lerm a n s ay s we c a n all go h ome
slight ly ea rly now .



HOORAY!

I

’m tel l i ng D erek all ab out



w h at h a ppened to M arcus on

Shame!


th e way h o me ( especially th e



s weater/ s kirt b it), wh en h e



tel l s m e h e’s got a proper



na m e fo r h is dog now.





I try to guess wh at it is.
“R oc ky ?”
“R over?”

			 “Fa n g ?”

h e say s.
Rooster,
”
“ROOSTER? That’s a kind of chicken, isn’t it?

“ It ’s

You ’ re n a mi n g y our dog after a ch ick en? ”
(I s u p p os e I ’l l g et us ed to it.)

HERE W E COM E!
199

C L UCK

D

e rek h a s brought R ooster over and

h e ’s r u n n in g a roun d our h ous e look ing for
De lia . S he ’s a l ready go n e to m eet h er friend
(b oyfr ie n d, m o re l i kely ). Derek and I are
wear in g our

T- s h i rts a nd look ing cool.



Dad i s wea ri n g anoth er



terri ble T- s h i r t and h orrid



pa nts . H e do e sn’t look cool.

M om agre e s w ith

m e a n d m ak es h im ch ange.

“ An d no c row d s urfi ng ,”
sh e te lls Dad a s we
leave t he h ous e.

200

Change.

T he n D A D rem em bers th e ti c kets were in h is
othe r p a nt s . So h e go es bac k to get th em.
But he c an ’t fi nd th em

ANYWHER E .
Don't panic.

This is dreadful .


I

D e re k is t ry i ng not to pa ni c .
We look around th e w h ole h ou se. In D elia’s
room, my roo m , th e kitc h en .
“ D on ’t w o rry , th ey ’re h ere somewh ere, ” h e
says . H e c h ec ks h i s poc kets . T h e b edrooms, th e
bathroom. We are officially
W he re a re th e ti c kets ?

YAP ! YA P
!

F RANTIC
YA P !
YA

P!

YA P !

Roos te r is runni ng a round c h asing us from
room to roo m . It’s rea l ly a n noy ing b ecause
he is bar k in g a n d y a ppi n g a nd it’s mak ing
eve ryon e s t res s ed .
201

.

M

o m s end s R oo s ter out to th e garden.

I ’m c he c k in g my roo m ag a i n wh en I look out
of t he w indow a nd s ee R oo s ter play ing with
some b it s of pa per. Th e bits of paper look lik e
t hey cou ld h ave been . . .

THE TICKETS!
“

BAD Rooster! ”

D erek is say ing.

But it ’s too late. Th e ti c kets are all mangled
an d cove red i n teeth m a rks a nd dog drool.

“ I ’ ll s ti c k th em tog eth er, ” Dad say s. “It’ll
b e fin e .”
But it’s not fine. The tickets are
202

ruined

“

M

ay be U nc le Kev i n a nd Auntie Alice

w ill s e ll u s th ei r ti c kets ?” Dad say s.
“ D on ’t ba nk o n it,” M o m say s.
“ We ’ ll th i n k of s o m eth i n g , ” Dad say s.
But I ’m too stunned to say
anyt hin g at a l l .
We go to th e s h ow a ny way .
“ I ’m

n ever goi ng to g et a dog, ”

I s ay to D erek. W h i c h i s a bit unfair, I
k now , b e c a us e it’s not h i s fa ult. I’m j ust
really an gry w ith h i s s tupid c hick en dog.

GGGGGGGGGr r r r r r r r r r rr r r r .
oost
R
BAD

203

er

A

my is a l ready th ere wa iti ng with h er dad.

“ Let ’s s e e if th ey ’l l ta ke th e tick ets any way ? ”
says Dad . Th e m a n at th e door tak es one look
at t he b it s of ti c ket a nd s h ak es h is h ead.
		“ So r r y , p a l . Ca n ’t t a k e th e s e ,


t h e y ’r e a l l m a s h e d u p .”

Ju s t w he n th i ng s could n ’t g et any worse . . .
Marc u s a n d h i s dad turn up clutch ing four
V.I .P . t ic k ets . Turn s out th at th ey now h ave
t w o s p a re V . I . P . ti c kets . A n d

V . I. P.

T

doe s n ’t t ak e after h i s dad,
w ho s e e ms quite n i c e. )
I want to go SO bad ly . B ut my D AD say s th at
A my a n d Derek s h ould go . “B e cause we might
b e ab le to g et i n w ith Unc le Kevin.”
I am

V ERY

brave. I tell Amy and

D e re k t hat I rea l ly do n ’t m i nd and th at I’ll b e
fin e . T he n I watc h a l l four of th em go off to
t he conc e r t. (I ns ide I c a n’t believe D erek and
204

et s

we cou ld h ave th em . (M a rc us

ick

Marc u s ’s dad s ugg es ts th at

u s 's
M a rc
Dad

A my have go ne w ith

M AR CUS! )

TONIGHT

T h is is
						 te r r ible .



		U

nc le Kev i n a n d

A untie A lice

are

wav in g an d c a l l i n g Dad . Unc le Kevin is look ing
p a r t ic u lar ly plea s ed w ith h i m s elf. Dad tells h im
w hat ’s hap pen ed a nd h ow we can’t get in now
w it h t he m a n g led ti c kets . Uncle Kevin say s,
Typical you!

w h i c h m a kes Dad cross. U ncle

Kev in ( b e in g a s a les m a n) h a s actually sold
t he ir t ic k et s fo r th ree ti m es as much as h e
p a id for t h em . H e’s very h a ppy and th ey ’re
goin g to d i n n er i n s tead of th e concert.
(I think the cousins would rather have seen the band.)
205

G

reat , t h i s i s turn i n g i nto a nightmare.

I ’ ll

never

g et to s ee my favorite band now.

Dad s e e s I ’m
“

S

REALLY

ups et.

tay he re, do n ’t m ove,” h e say s. “I’ll get

some t ic k et s, do n’t y ou w o rry , Tom.”
I ’m

SO

m i s erable.

I s it on t h e f loo r a n d loo k
rea lly fed up. Th e co nc ert
is ab out to s ta rt a nd we’ve
got no c ha nc e of s eei ng th em at th is rate.
T he n I have a n idea .
It ’s a lon g s h ot, but I ’ve got nothing to
los e .
		 I’m

desperate

.

206

I fi nd a pa per bag , and I
a l ready h ave a p en.
Th en I g et w riti ng and
d raw i n g .

207

G U I LT

Y

I’m

attracti n g a bit of attention, b ut no

t ic k et s a s y et.
A lady wa lks pa s t a nd s ay s “Poor y ou, ” wh ich
is n ic e .
T he n I ’m s uddenly awa re of a man in leath er
p ant s read i n g my note.
He ’s s ha k in g h i s h ead a n d loo k ing at me.
I p ut on a n extra

SAD

face.

T he n he s t a rts wa l ki n g towa rd me and
t he re ’s s om eth i ng very fa m i l iar ab out h im.
I ’m s u re I ’ ve s een h i m befo re.
T he n he as ks m e a ques ti o n .
“Is t his y o u r n e w h o b b y , T o m ? ”
he a s k s, a nd it

suddenly

w ho it is . . . .
209

dawns on me

B li m ey , i T ’s
MR. FULLERMAN.

!
H
G
A
A ND

HE

leather
PA NTs!

he ’s wea ri n g leath er pants! Wh at’s
doin g h ere? It’s a terrib le moment,

bumping into a TEACHER outside of school.

You don ’t rea l ly th i n k of th em h aving a life
out s ide of bei ng a teac h er.
It ’s a s hoc k (es pec ia l ly th e leath er pants).
210

D

ad comes bac k, w ith no ti ck ets.

He ’s NOT p lea s ed to s ee m e be gging.

YO U’R E B E GGING ?
"You told m e it wa s a m ade- up story , Tom!”
“ It wa s . . . . I wa s des perate! ” I say .
“ S top b e ggi ng right now ! Th ere must b e
anot he r way to s ee

.”

T he n Mr. Ful lerm a n s ay s,
“H ello , M r . Ga t e s . I t h i n k I m ight be
ab le t o he l p . ”
A n d Dad loo ks a s s h oc ked a s I am
to s e e it ’s M r. Ful lerm a n (wearing
leat he r p ants ).
I ’m w on de ri ng w h at M r. Ful lerman is doing at
a

s h ow i n th e fi rs t place. And guess

w hat ?
211

T

u r n s out th at
ES
M AT
to sc hool

M

r. Ful lerm an actually went
w ith



M ANAGER!


T hey are good fri en d s .

(M r. Fu lle r m a n i s NOT j us t a c rusty old teach er
afte r all.)

Th

H

e s p ea k s to s o m eo n e

a n k s , m a n . No problem.
N i ce
pa nts.

bac k s t age w h o g i ves us a l l
sp e c ial p a s s es .

NOW

SQUEA

K!

I c a n watc h the wh ole sh ow

from t he s ide of th e s tag e!
I w ou ld H UG M r. Ful lerm a n if h e wasn’t my
teac he r ( a n d wea ri ng leath er pants).


It’s th e B E ST v i ew ever!

212



i s abs ol utely bri l liant and I can



s ee

I

E VERY THING .

s e e D e rek a nd A my a n d wave. D erek and

A my wave bac k.

M a rc us

h a s h is mouth open

l i k e a goldfi s h i n s h oc k.

(It’s almost the best part of the show. Ha, ha!)
T he n I s p ot Del ia i n th e a ud i e nce. Sh e’s with
her b oyfr ien d . So I poi nt h i m out to Dad and
st ir t hin gs up by s ay i n g h e’s got a V ERY bad
re p ut at ion a round tow n.
W hat a fanta s ti c night I ’m h aving.
all t he ir b e s t s o ng s .
T he n r ight at th e en d . . . it gets b etter . . .

213

play



I’l l never wa s h ag ain.

215

I

’m s t ill buz z i ng w h en I g et h ome.

Dad ha s fo rgotten about my b egging ( ph ew).
He ’s too b usy w o rry i ng about D elia’s dodgy
b oyfr ie n d .
I go to b ed

happy

w hole gig i n my h ead .

216

and relive th e



T h i s i s probably th e

I

n t he m o rni ng , Del ia i s s lop ping around th e

hou s e s u lk in g a n d bei n g m i s erab le.
Grrrrrrrr

A p p are nt ly it’s a l l my fa ul t be cause M om and
Dad want to m eet h er new “friend” now. ( I
am a

G EN IU S . )

D

mm

m
mmm

mmmm

ad is hum m i ng

son gs at b rea kfa s t.
M o m i s wea ri ng a

T-sh irt.




It’s SO em ba rra s s i n g ( old people

t ryin g to be tren dy ). I c a n’t get out of th e
hou s e qu ic k enough .
D e re k a n d I go to sc h ool tog eth er.
He ’s

SO w i s h i ng h e'd s tuc k with

co nc e r t now .

218

me at th e

S M
e e in g

r. Ful lerm a n ag a in in “teach er”
wei rd .

mode is

T he firs t th i n g h e a s ks m e i s,
“W H E R E ’ S YOU R HO M EWORK, TOM?”

“ I wa s at t h e co nc ert, s i r, re memb er? ”

M

r. Fu lle rm a n s ay s th at’s no excuse and I’ll

get a dete nti o n un les s I bri n g it in first th ing
in t he mor ni ng , w h i c h i s a bit h arsh !
(H e ’s

so

bac k i n teac h er mode.)

W it h all t he exc item ent about

, I

co mp lete ly fo rg et about th e sch ool concert,
w hic h a p p arently i s


today.
219

I

’m not wo rri ed bec a us e I ’m not in it.

(No c hoir, w h i c h i s a rel i ef. ) Ph ew.

Mrs . Nap
H

i s loo ki ng for

h elpers to

p ut c hairs out i n th e h a l l .
e lp e rs get to m i s s c la s s,

				 s o I vol u nteer.
A ll I have to do i s s h ow th e little k id s wh at
to do.

h a rd i s th at?

We get a ll th e c h a i rs out w h e n th ey start
to me s s around . I g et

and

sugge s t a qui c k g a m e
of mu s ic a l

sing
song

c h a i rs, w h i c h k eeps th em h appy .

The re ’s no m us i c — s o I


“Del ia ’s a Wei rdo.”
220

my

D

Wa e i r d o
a
i
s
l
’
s h e 's a
le i a D e
FR e A K

It s
’

a ll goi ng V ERY wel l . Th e little k id s all

join in a n d s i n g a lo ng w ith me.
“ D e lia , s h e’s a wei rdo !
D e lia , s h e’s a frea k! ” (Very catchy ch orus.)
T he n I s in g th e vers e . . .
221

an d t hat's w h en M r. Keen pops h is h ead
rou n d t h e doo r to s ee h ow we’re doing.
We a ll p retend to be a rra n ging th e ch airs.
( L itt le kid s lea rn fa s t. )
“That’s a jolly song, Tom,” h e say s.
“ Really, Mr. Keen ?”
“Are you performing in the concert
today?”
“ No, Mr. Ke en . ”
“Why not? You should be! I’ll have a
word with Mrs. Nap to give you a slot
at the end.”
“ No, Mr. Ke en , it’s fi n e. . . . R eally ,
I don ’t wa nt to s i ng . ”
222

“Nonsense, that sounded excellent.
Don’t you agree, children?”
A n d all t he l ittle kid s c h eer a nd say ,

“ YE S! ”
G roa n . . . th at’s ALL I need .
Th i s could b e very
h um i l iati ng .
C orrection. It WILL b e
very h um i l iating.
I do n ’t th i nk M r. Keen
Fool

h ea rd a l l the ly rics
to th e
s o n g , eith er.

223

“Are you M AD?

Of cou rs e I don’t wa nt to

NO WAY!

p lay in t he sc h ool co nc ert! ”
D e re k s ays .
He t hin k s



h ave to plan

t he ir firs t g ig very c a reful ly .
(In ot he r w o rd s, we’re s ti l l a b it rub b ish and
need more practi c e. )

But

he does come up with a

p lan



BRILLIANT

th at w i l l g et m e off th e h ook
a n d s ave m e from serious

				 h um i l iati o n.

224

T

he

only

good th i n g ab out th e sch ool

co nc e r t is we g et to go h o m e early to
“ p re p are .” ( Eat c a ra m el wafers,
in my c as e .)

M

om s ay s,

“ W hat do y ou m ea n th ere’s a sch ool concert
ton ight ? ”
(I forgot to tel l th em . )
“ A n d you ’ re i n it?”
“ Sor t of . . .” I s ay .

M

om a n d Dad pla nned to meet D elia’s dodgy

“ b oyfr ie n d ” to night.
“ I ’m not leav i n g th em h ere o n th eir
own , ” Dad s ay s . “Th ey ’l l both h ave
to come to th e co nc ert, too . ”
225

Hh D
a,

a!

el ia w i l l be

I hate you

de lighted !

A roma nti c n ight out . . .
at my sc hool co nc ert.
S he ’ ll b e s o c ro s s it’s a l m ost worth b eing
in t he concert.
D e re k a nd I run th rough our plan one
la s t t ime o n th e way bac k to sch ool.

B

It ha s to w o rk o r I ’l l b e stuffed.

ac k at sc h ool , th e h a l l i s already pack ed

w it h p e op le. M o m a nd Dad s it at th e back ,
w hic h is a rel i ef bec a us e M o m h as on h er
T- s h i rt a nd Dad
is wea ri n g g a rdeni ng gear.
Delia and her

Patches

“boyfriend” look jolly

( NOT ) .

D e re k a n d I run th rough our plan one last
t ime ( I hope it w o rks ) .
226

T

he light s go dow n a n d th e concert b egins.

Firs t , t he re’s s o m e (s l ightly boring) poetry .
a s b ri g h t .
T h e st a r w
b ig f ri g h t .
We g o t a
.
T h a t n ig h t


The n we have to s it th rough some songs


a n d, of cou rse, th e ch oir.

				 Watc h i ng M arcus and
				Sol id swaying from side
				 to s ide i s h ilarious.
A my is ve ry good (of cours e) .

ying

Swa

Th ere’s a play by Year

					 Th ree. ( Q uite funny .)


A n d a dance by Year Six.

						( It’s rub b ish .)

227

T

he n Mr. Keen m a kes a s peech ab out wh at a

good te r m it’s been . . .


bla h , bla h , bla h .

A n d I hear h i m tel l i ng E V ERY ONE h ow h e h eard
me s in gin g a n d th ought I s h ould b e in th e
co nc e r t .

It ’s AW F U L . . . I c a n feel my self getting
ner vou s a nd s weaty .

Now it ’s my turn .
Mr. Ke e n a s ks m e w h at my s o ng is called.

“

D' e lia ’s

a

We i rdo , ' ”

I say .

W hic h ma k e s every o n e la ugh . . . apart from
D e lia, w ho’s g i v i ng m e th e E VILS.

228

I

s it on th e s tag e a n d c lea r my th roat.
Eve ryo n e i s loo ki n g at m e and waiting.

So I c lea r my th roat ag a i n . . .
an d wait . . .
an d wait . . .
an d s t r u m a l ittle (l i ke I ’m warming up).
(M r. Ke e n i s g la ri n g at m e now.)
So I ’m t hin ki ng I m ight h ave to

actually

st ar t s in gin g if Derek’s pla n doesn’t work. . . .
W he n at lo ng

last

...

229

Loud

V

A ERY
NO

iS

E

go

O FF

es

.

F
Mr.
I

u l lerm a n tel l s everyone not to panic.

t ’s j u s t t h e

fire
alarm!

We a ll have to leave th e
ha ll s t ra ightaway .


Th e co nc ert i s aba ndoned.
230

R E S U LT!
D

e re k is a

G E N IU S !

He gives me a

THU MBS -U P a s we leave sc h ool.
Bette r s t ill . . . Del ia c a n h ea r some little
ch ild re n s in g i ng my s o ng . . .

DEL

ird
IA, she’s a we

o! DELIA, she’s
a FR
EA
K!

S

he’s not happy, but her boyfriend is laughing.

He w on ’t b e h er boy fri en d fo r long at th is
rate !
unn
What's f y?

231

M

om an d Dad th i nk it’s a sh ame I did n’t

get to do my s o n g . (I do n’t! )
“ Mayb e n ext ti m e, do n ’t w rite ab out y our
sis te r, t hough ,” M o m tel l s m e. “It only upsets
her.”

( EXAC T LY ! )

D

ad s ugg es ts w riti n g about someone else

w ho a n noys m e i n s tead .
“ L ik e U nc le Kev i n ,”

h e add s.

W hic h mak es m e la ugh .
But Mom is g i v i n g th e E VI L EYE now.
							 ( U h -oh !)

232

W



h i s s h ed to eat h is secret



s ta s h of c a ra mel wafers.



(TR E AT! )

he n we g et h o m e, Dad a nd I escape to

I

t ’s t he la s t day of th e term

tomor row . So I M USTN’T FORG ET.
I on ly have to n ight to fi n i s h my review
ho mew or k . (It’s th e la s t th i ng I h ave left
to do.)
I k now , I ’l l rev i ew th e sc h ool concert. Th at
w on ’t t a ke lo n g !
Ju s t eat th e la s t wafer biscuit and wrap
it u p fo r Del ia fi rs t. . . . H a , h a!


A n d d raw a few m o re pictures.

		T

H E N I ’l l s ta rt my h omework . . . .

233

. . . . . . . in th e m o rn i n g .

(I ’ ll have

LOADS

of time

to do it if I g et up ea rly to m orrow.)

o d id e a .
T h is is a g o

234

Id i ot g
shin
s qu a t
Robo

An
I d io t
(Marcus)

Mr.

Ful lerm a n , I ’m

SO

sorry ab out my

REVI EW hom ew o rk.
A s you c an s ee I DI D do it.


Let m e ex pla i n .

I wa s on my way to sc h ool wh en I
was followed a n d

attacked






			 by a

VIC IOUS

dog.

I defe n ded my s elf w ith th e only th ing I could
t hin k of.
My noteb ook .

236

LU C K I LY I s urv i ved (jus t) .
But my R EVI E W H O M E WOR K d idn’t. . . .
Sorry again. . . .

ally
n
i
f
d to
om.
r
T
a
,
w
r
ea
for
over
Oh d looking
n
i
a
s
t ag
i
o
I wa g it.
ve d
n
a
i
on’t
h
d
d
a
t
s
u
re
u
o
ill j
pe y
w
o
h
u
Yo
let’s
eak.
,
r
e
b
the
antim aliens
e
m
y
e
I n t h d u c te d b I A N T S .
ve.
a
h
G
b
a
by
you
next
get
d
e
)
f
e
i
k
k
l
ttac
tful
ewor
n
m
e
o
or a
v
h
an e
our
t
y
a
h
d
n
W
u (a
o
y
See
.
te r m
an
m
r
e
l
Ful
Mr.
237

(Result!)

238

D o g d roo l

My Review
By Tom Gates
Vici

Mo

re

ous

do

g

tee

th

oo
dr

mar

ks

l

The End

WARN
I
(BEA
DY E
Y

E ALE

NG!

RT . .

.)

AG

GH!
Turn over for
something nicer

W A F E R S

E R S
W A F

me ga
s t ron g
b ug

H

ow to d raw my g rum py s i ster D elia

1.

Draw th i s
sh ape.

2.

Th en h e r
glasses . . .

3.

Color t h em i n .

4.
5.

Ears . . . ( eve n t h ough
sh e doesn't LI S TEN ) .
Add h er
man ky h a i r . . .

. . . an d add a g loo m
c loud . . . .

When Liz was little, she loved to draw, paint and
make things. Her mum used to say she was very good
at making a mess (which is still true today!).
She kept drawing and went to art school — leaving
with a BA in Graphic Design — to find her first job as a
designer and art director at Jive Records U.K. She went
freelance and her illustration work began to be used on
a wide variety of products, which led to her first picture
books and writing her own stories. Tom Gates is the
first series of books Liz has written and illustrated for
older children. They have won several prestigious awards,
including the Roald Dahl Funny Prize, the Waterstones
Children’s Book Prize and the Blue Peter Book Award.
The books have also been translated into over 33
languages worldwide. Liz works in a nice cozy shed in
her garden and lives in (mostly) sunny Brighton with her
husband and three (not so little any more) children. She
doesn’t have a pet but she does have lots of squirrels
in the garden that eat everything in sight (including her
tulip bulbs, which is annoying).

Coming soon!
Tom Gates: Excellent Excuses (and other good stuff)
Tom Gates: Everything’s Amazing (Sort of)